International Marriages

A Religious Sister mentions, in her column on pastoral work, that we are all citizens of the world. In the past, when she was asked to write about her experiences, she always refused, feeling it was like making a public confession of her life. But she has relented and shares some of her experiences with us.

She has been in the work with migrants for the last eight years, she says. In the past, it was with the heart, but now it is mostly with the mind. She is not trying to fathom the workings of the migrant's inner feelings and desires, but is more interested in helping them get ahead in the business world. It is now my desire, she says, to help make the life of the migrants understandable to our citizens.

An important aspect in her approach is to deal with the conflicted feelings concerning international marriages. Compared to how it was viewed a few years ago, much as changed--for the good. It is now something that is accepted as natural, and she is asked by many of the Christians to introduce some foreign girls to their sons. She has little difficulty in doing this,  but it is another matter to have these marriages turn out healthy, and  the family developing happily.

Most people have heard stories of  international marriages in which the woman has abandoned her husband and family, left to find work in a factory to earn money, found a man from her own country, or has not been faithful. There are many such stories.

Because of these stories, many have qualms and fears about international marriages. Our increasingly closely knit world is likely to bring us more, not less, of these marriages. But there is no need to see this negatively; we need only open ourselves, without prejudice, to the different cultures of the world.

If we ask whether the poor women who come to Korea are of an inferior status, most will answer no. When we see  things that are strange, we should ask for an explanation. When we see something we don't understand, we should be tolerant and try to explain our own culture. At times, it is our feeling of superiority in dealing with the immigrants from the poorer countries that is the problem.

International marriages can be as happy, she insists, as any other marriage. It requires getting beyond the financial difficulties and seeing others with a more open and understanding heart. We are all citizens of the world, she is fond of repeating, and we all share its joys and its sorrows. This is not all that difficult. We have the example of Jesus, who had no prejudice and considered everyone equal. He is our teacher.

Loneliness in Life

Loneliness is a part of  life.  Jesus was lonely. In Luke's chapter 9 Jesus is rejected when he passes through Samaritan country. In John 9:58 we are told, "The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." 

When are we lonely? asks the columnist in his column on happiness in the Peace Weekly. When we are excluded, he says, by those we love, when as children we were abandoned by parents, when we are separated from someone we love, when Jesus was rejected by his beloved disciples on the day of his death--just a few instances of how we can be affected by loneliness.  

Second reason mentioned: when we have no one to help us, when there is a feeling of rejection by the whole world, and when we ask for help in a desperate situation and are refused.  

Third: the loneliness that comes when no one needs me, when I have given my resume to dozens of different companies but there is still no opportunity for work. And when refugees who have been removed from their homes have nowhere to go.  In these situations, we can't help but be lonely. 

Fourth: when we are not understood. Especially in families when we are not able to communicate, with families finding it difficult to sit together at meals and very often eating separately.

Fifth: the feeling of loneliness with the approach of death. Aging and the accompanying loss of youth and the problems of old age bring sadness.

Sixth: the loneliness that comes with sickness. Job is the prototype of this kind of loneliness, the kind that comes from a lack of personal concern for others. 

In Korea, we have many suicides, a serious disease with its possible root in loneliness. Our writer states that the reason for this is the lack of Christians living the life of faith with its positive message of love.  

Jesus came to us as the consoling one; we have not, he says, been living according to his example. 
Since we are all lonely we should know how to console, but because of hand phones, computers, the internet, and many other electronic devices we are now withdrawing from personal  contact more than ever. Isn't this the reason that Jesus asked us to love one another?

Overcoming Disabilities

A series of articles in Living with the Scriptures discuss what can be learned from the failures we experience in life. The first article is about Peter and Stephani, two young adults nearing the age of 40, with congenital cerebral palsy. Stephani, more seriously impaired, is not able to use her hands and feet.

Both gave up hope for marriage early on in life, but in May they were married in a Catholic Church in Seoul, with the  presence of many well wishers, and then went to the Philippines for their honeymoon.

Years ago Peter had asked a Religious Sister in his parish to introduce him to  a good woman. She introduced him to two women, one of whom was Stephani, who he fell in love with at first sight. This was not the case with Stephani. She had no desire for marriage; the possibility of friendship yes, but not marriage. On the day they met Peter only stayed briefly, said he was busy and left.

Shortly after, Peter called to explain himself and all went well. Thereafter he would meet Stephani in Seoul, where he worked fixing computers, whenever he had a chance, they would go out to eat and enjoy each others company. Although Peter in the past had no desire for marriage--feeling that life was just too difficult for him--he was impressed with Stephani's intelligence and sensitivity. He asked her to marry him.  

Stephani's  parents were adamantly opposed. Their daughter was not able to use her hands and was in no position to be a wife to anyone. She wasn't able to prepare meals and had even difficulty in eating. No husband would be able to live with this for long, even though Peter assured them that he would take care of the cooking.

It wasn't long before Stephani changed her mind about marriage and decided that she wanted to marry Peter; she asked her parish priest for help. He became the matchmaker with the two parents. He first went down country to the home of Stephani and convinced her parents, and then to Seoul to the home of Peter. Surprisingly, both families agreed and the marriage was on.

A  handicapped child are the parents  biggest suffering. Everybody in the family feels the pain. The handicapped  have the great difficulty of accepting their plight, and often reproach themselves, their parents and even God. Peter had tried to kill himself, and, though Stephani's spiritual life was strong, she also reproached God, which is not surprising.

As children they saw that their future was going to be difficult. Being the butt of jokes when growing up was the hardest to accept. Jesus' cross only lasted a short period of time but their agony continues for life. Peter also said that when Jesus was tortured by the Romans he even took pleasure in the thought, but he quickly realized that Jesus did  not reproach his torturers. 'Falling and getting up again," Peter said, has been their life from the beginning.

The article concludes with the words of another disabled couple, whose life was made into a documentary, Planet of Snail. The husband, who was both deaf and blind, said "I am closing my eyes to see the most valuable things. I am closing my ears to hear the most beautiful sounds. I am waiting in silence to speak the most truthful words."

Modesty in Korean Video Musicals

With globalization and the interchange between countries, the modesty that came with the Confucian and Buddhist culture is no longer influencing our society. Korea has become 'first world,' even in this area of life.

Musical videos are very popular in Korea. In the past the ear was important, now it is the eye. The business world has taken notice of this shift and is concentrating on producing visuals that appeal more to the consumer. Writing in the Catholic Times, in his column on sex in  popular culture, the researcher asks us to go to the internet to view Bo peep Bo peep to get an idea of what he is saying.

In the musical  Bo peep Bo peep, the viewer experiences the feeling of watching  soft porn; the researcher asks why? This musical is using the grammar of pornography, he says. A gorgeously decked out women goes to a club where she dances sexually, seduces a man and they go to a hotel for sex.  During sex she looks directly  at the camera on two occasions.

Up until now, he asks, have you ever seen, on TV or in the  movies, the characters staring into the camera?  This is considered a 'no, no' even for an acting novice but when you have a professional  actress looking at the camera, what does it mean?  If you ask any middle school student they will all answer "pornography."

How is it that the middle school students  answer this so quickly? The researcher tells us this is what they are exposed to daily. Only porno films use this technique to entice the men who are watching. The makers of these  films  use this code with exquisiteness.  Unconsciously the middle school  students have picked this up rather quickly.This is now part of the culture we live in. And it is frightful.

This series on sex in Korean culture will continue. Porno was always there but not so publicly accessible. Here in Korea the majority of the citizens  still have difficulty accepting what is happening in the media, and yet the underlying sexual nature of what we are being exposed to is evident everywhere, especially in advertizing.

Musical Videos are just one segment of the visual mass media that is going through this change; our one world is also changing the traditional customs of Korea. The country still has her traditional respect for modesty, and the consensus that pornography is unacceptable, actually illegal, although  easily accessible. There are many in the society working against this area of self-expression, but it will not be easy working against the lucrative business interests of so many.

Singing The Blues Away

The sadness that often comes into our lives is handled by us in many varied and interesting ways.  An example of what one priest did on returning to his monastery is recounted by a columnist in the Catholic Times.

The priest had spent many years overseas doing parish work, and the columnist remembers meeting him on a number of occasions on his return to the monastery. His disposition, the columnist said, was welcoming, disarming, enthusiastic and unpretentious.

That evening after the meal, while  drinking tea and talking with his Korean colleagues,  he decided to go to his room; he returned with a guitar and a book of popular songs from the 70-80s. He suggested a sing-along. There was a period of awkward silence;  the columnist thought it odd: 5 elderly religious being asked to sing...?

The priest, however, opened the book and from the beginning started to sing. If the song was known he would begin playing, if not, he would skip it.  His mastery of the guitar also was not very good. He paid no attention to his playing and went through the book page by page. The group would join in the singing, some looking at the ceiling, one looking out the window, and one with eyes closed--but all were singing. 

Some of the songs were greeted with applause, If a song brought back some memory, this would be mentioned. They all sang with enthusiasm. There were no  comments on the singing.  If they knew the song, they would sing. If not, they would listen. At the  end of the singing, the  priest said to his colleagues:

"Living here in the monastery, there were difficult times. Battling cancer and living overseas have created difficulties in my life, but on those occasions, I would take out the guitar and sing. It was after the singing that I would find peace."

That evening the columnist considered the group as being similar to a picture that is moved from one location to another.  A picture of sadness being removed by song. That night, before sleep, he was thankful that he was part of that picture.

Dealing With Pain in Life

Mind healing, how we can heal our minds and hearts of the hurts we have suffered, was the topic of a recent desk column commentary by the editor-in-chief of the Catholic Times.  Many in today's society are hurting: wars, family and individual conflicts, cultural prejudice, workplace and educational injustices, and a host of other situations that inflict much pain. We all have to live with these painful situations every day; the only difference among them is their size. But to say that my pain is greater than yours, he says, is an attitude that makes no sense. The way we face the pain is what is important.

Some people, in the face of the pain, close their hearts and become angry and hateful, while others, precisely because of their pain, open their hearts with a better understanding of the suffering of others. To live with others is difficult; we are likely to discover aspects of ourselves we would prefer not to see.  An example would be when we see another person, completely unrelated to us, who is happy, which tends to make us acutely aware of our own unhappiness.

We can define life, he says, as a time of waiting.  The psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm tells us that humans can be described as creatures that look upward and forward to a future time, waiting for a better person to emerge and for better opportunities, waiting for their dreams to be realized, waiting for the end of their suffering.

That we wait mindlessly, he says, is the problem. What are we waiting for and and how is it important to us? are questions we need to ask ourselves.He suggests that what is important to all Christians is the consolation of family and friends. More so would be the consolation that comes from God. Also helpful is to realize that we tend to imitate those we admire and think about, and to realize that faith is also a kind of waiting, which we can see illustrated by the Scriptures.

Those that have received consolation in their suffering are the ones who can share it with others who are suffering. He mentions the tragic incident of a mother who had lost a child in an accident. Though many tried to console the mother, they were unable to do so, the tears kept coming. It was only when a friend, a mother who lost her own daughter in such an accident, approached the grieving mother with a hug that the tears stopped.  

There is a direct ratio of  pain to consolation. The greater the pain, the greater is God's consolation.  We have the example of our martyrs, whose faith and trust grew because of  God's  promises; suffering  sublimates into great hope.

All those who are suffering are walking in the way of Jesus. Let us experience his outstretched hand. Like the sun that is always there in the sky even when hidden by clouds, God is always with us,  offering us the consolation we are seeking. 

Removing Unnecessary Obstacles

A priest from the diocese of Incheon writes in the priest bulletin of his frequent climbs to the top of a mountain near his parish:  the view encompasses the airport, North Mountain and the Han River.             

Recently the owner of the property near the mountain fenced about 200 meters to preserve his property, he said. Mountain climbers from the direction of the parish had  to go around to find another entrance to the mountain. This did not sit well with the priest, and like many others complained about the situation among themselves. 

On one occasion, he had the thought: "Have I also been a stumbling block to others? If I have this is not  good."

He tells us of a  conversation he had with one of his parishioners:

"Father, is it  possible  to  change some of the qualifications for attending the parish elders' college program?"

"Why?" he replied.

"Because there is the study of the Scriptures and only those who can read are accepted. My mother was very sad; she wanted badly to attend but because she can't read  she was not able to  apply."

"That is true. I will have to give it some thought," he replied.

After this conversation, the priest realized that he was preventing those who couldn't read to approach closer to God. He doesn't know how many are not able to read, but even if it is only one person, he thought, the door should not be closed.

The next time the program started the paragraph that said one had be literate was removed. Those who were illiterate would still be able to understand the lectures and gain much from the program. He apologized to the elders in the congregations for not being more understanding of others.

Blocking the way to his mountain climbing was the beginning of a long reflection on the way he was blocking others from getting closer to God. Upset as he was on seeing the fence, and experiencing first hand the anger of others in similar circumstances, did open his eyes to the ways he may have been blocking others in his own congregation from growing. If there are blocks in the way of this growth, he wants to begin removing them.