Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, believed that beneath most speech lie two things: a request and gratitude. Even in rough or awkward words, there are hidden messages, such as “Thank you for listening to me.” An article in the Korean Catholic Newspaper introduces us to these words.
Christian prayer is not very different. We thank God. We give thanks for allowing us to live another day, and we ask for the strength to rise again. During Mass, we say “Lord, we thank You.” “Lord, have mercy.”The language of faith moves back and forth between gratitude and petition.
Family conversations are much the same. The difference is that within families, this simple language often becomes distorted. Under the words “It’s fine, I’ll take care of it myself,” there may be the feeling, “Thank you for looking after me.” Beneath “Why are you late again?” lies the request, “I was waiting for you.”
Under “Why do I always have to do everything?” there may be the plea, “I’d like some rest too.”The problem is that we judge one another’s words too quickly. As we divide right from wrong and calculate each person’s share, we hear only the surface of what is said and miss the feelings underneath.
Loving one’s family means recognizing the requests and gratitude of those who remain by our side, even amid rough and disorderly words. Jesus listened to people in this way. When blind Bartimaeus cried out by the roadside, begging for mercy, many people rebuked him and told him to be quiet. But Jesus stopped. Others heard only a disturbance; Jesus heard the plea within the noise.
A small change is needed within families as well. When words that sound like criticism reach us, we can pause and ask: “What is this person asking of me right now?” And when the day ends, we can quietly ask ourselves: “Whom was I grateful to today, but never told?”
Gratitude is the language that transforms a relationship from something taken for granted back into a gift. Preparing a meal, waiting for someone, quietly staying by another person’s side—these things become so familiar that they easily disappear from view.
That is why sometimes we must speak first: “Thank you for today.”Those few words open a closed heart just a little. The gratitude I offer first can draw out gratitude from the other person as well.
