"At
fifteen, I had my mind bent on learning. At thirty, I stood firmly on
what I had learned. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I knew the
decrees of Heaven. At sixty, my ear was an obedient organ for the
reception of truth. At seventy, I could follow what my heart desired
without transgressing what was right." These thoughts taken from the
Analects of Confucius by a priest writing for priests served to prompt
him to reflect on his own "reception of truth" on reaching his 60th
year.
In
one of his parishes, he recalls a time when he criticized the members
of a parish group--and they all quit, and even their family members were
adversely affected by his actions, with one parent forbidding their
child to continue being an altar boy. Soon after, the child, though
usually very sociable, would avoid the priest, who wondered what could
the parent have said to bring about this kind of behavior on the part of
the child. What kind of pastor had he become to deserve this kind of
response?
He
realized that as a pastor he should be like a father, and at his age he
felt it was time to act like a father, with this desire manifesting in
more caring thoughts, words and actions. but he soon realized that it
was easier said than done. Recently, he used words with the parish
president that hurt him deeply. The priest tried to apologize a number
of times without success.
He
says he doesn't want to make any apologies for his actions. And though
he has been praised for his pastoral work, now looking back on his life,
he sees how he has become selfish and egotistical. It was never about
the rightness of a particular situation, he says, but the way he handled
the situation, which was usually in a dictatorial manner, that was the
problem. When he was young, this behavior was accepted by the family,
but at his age and position, he knew his behavior needed to change. If
he didn't change, he knew matters would not return to normal as they did
years ago.
When
he recalls the words of St. Paul (Cor.13) about love being patient,
they hurt to the core of his being. He knows he has a quick temper that
often causes a great deal of trouble. He knows that more important than
achieving results are the people in his life. But what he now has come
to understand more deeply, he says, is that these were only words, having
no real impact on how he behaved. The difficult situations he often
found himself in were not, he now saw clearly, the result of another
person's fault but the result of his own lack of love.
Though
it was an embarrassing revelation to have to admit this to himself, he
has learned, he says, a great deal by what has happened. He will ask for
forgiveness again from those he has hurt, and hopes his resolve to put
into practice what he now knows will be equivalent to the hurt he feels.
Confucius
said that at the age of sixty one can begin to hear the truth clearly,
The priest hopes that he will also, having arrived at the age of sixty
himself, hear the truth of any situation, no matter how difficult it may
seem, and accept it lovingly. And begin, hopefully, the next phase of
Confucius' journey: being able to follow what the heart desires--without
transgressing but always doing what is right.
