A university professor writes in the Catholic Times Column 'We Are All One' about persons who can't live by just living: the difficulties of life that don't change no matter how hard one tries.
In the preface to the novel 「Life」written by Chinese writer Yu Hua there is an expression— "People live for the sake of living, not for anything else." Sometimes, when counseling persons, there are times when I think of the novelist's expression and desire to fully convey the meaning to the person who is thinking about death."
When the professor first met K, he felt that her eyes were very beautiful. Her bright smile was charming and had the ability to express situations in a funny and pleasant way. She found it easy to socialize and drink, creating a festive atmosphere around her. But when she returned home alone from her hustle and bustle, she felt an uncontrollable feeling of emptiness and bitterness. Maybe she was laughing at a situation she was having trouble coping with.
She was born with gorgeous looks, into a poor family. "Both her mother and her father were indifferent to their children, lethargic with their lives, and financially incompetent," she said. It's common for children in a similar situation to graduate from high school and enter society, but she herself was gifted in studies and entered a good university. K had dreams of becoming a humanities scholar, but her family only expected financial support for the house rather than concern for K's talent. K continued her arduous schoolwork while supporting her family as the main provider.
In the meantime, K met a man from a wealthy family and they began living together, and it developed into a relationship that promised her marriage. There were moments of happiness, but things changed when K became pregnant. Her boyfriend's demeanor changed and he demanded that she have an abortion and left her. Eventually, she had the abortion and returned to living alone. Even under these circumstances, K continued her graduate studies and provided money for her family.
There are only a few ways for a humanities major to earn money while studying. Even if she works as a teaching assistant or research assistant, it is difficult to pay the tuition fees. She can't afford to set aside time for an outside part-time job.
After K entered graduate school, she secretly worked at a bar. She said: "As a child. Kids like me, who have pleasant faces but were born into poor families, end up doing things like this... I didn't believe that. No, I didn’t think I would live that kind of life." As time passed, K's appearance became more glamorous and the smell of her cosmetics grew stronger. Still, she felt comfortable when she came for counseling. She slept on the sofa in the waiting room, although she said sleep did not come easy and was able to present a comfortable and stable appearance during the consultation. Was she able to read the professor's mind? By the time the counseling was over, K said that she would live thinking only of living without thinking about anything else for the time being.
And after nearly a year, he heard that K had taken her own life. Maybe K thought it was no longer possible to get over the situation with a smile. He doesn't know. She apparently thought she was no longer able to sustain life just by living. Every year around this time, he fondly remembers K's bright smile.
