Sister, however, possibly because of the difficulties that arise from explaining (NVC) in a short article, only mentioned the first component which was observation, the other three were: feelings, needs, and requests.
Marshall B. Rosenberg an American psychologist developed the concept in the 60s and 70s. He wanted a way for people to communicate without judgment or blame.
The article begins with a quote from the Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation of Pope Francis: Christus Vincit #292—
"The first kind of sensitivity is directed to the individual. It is a matter of listening to someone sharing his very self in what he says. A sign of this willingness to listen is the time we are ready to spare for others. More than the amount of time we spend, it is about making others feel that my time is their time, that they have all the time they need to say everything they want. The other person must sense that I am listening unconditionally, without being offended or shocked, tired or bored. We see an example of this kind of hearing in the Lord; he walks alongside the disciples on the way to Emmaus, even though they are going in the wrong direction (cf. Lk 24:13-35). When Jesus says he plans to go farther, they realize that he has given them the gift of his time, so they decide to give him theirs by offering their hospitality. Attentive and selfless listening shows our respect for others, whatever their ideas or choices in life."
Are we able to hear the words of the other correctly? Am I able to listen to the words of the other without conditions and the other able to sense this. Am I hearing only with the ears? Am I hearing also with my eyes, with all my senses? The first step for the founder of (NVC) was observation that wasn't mixed with evaluation or judgment in the hearing.
Observation is Listening closely, seeing all carefully, and expressing what you hear and see exactly as it comes to you. This is extremely difficult to do. Our experience, learning, and inherited history include preconceptions, misconceptions, inferences, and falsehoods along with the truth and wisdom of the ages.
What is necessary from the start is to separate our internal thoughts from what is being observed. There is a need for the evaluation of what is observed to not take control at that time. J. Krishnamurti the Indian philosopher said: "The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence."
We are conditioned to see right and wrong, true or false, good or bad, normal or abnormal, and judging according to the values we have which can distort what we observe and prevent us from hearing correctly and at times, this will end the conversation. There is a need to not mix observation and evaluation in our listening to the other.
She mentions one of the common replies from Rosenberg on the subject: He has no difficulty with evaluations but he doesn't want observations mixed up with evaluations in conversations.
Judgments are a part of our life but they don't necessarily have to appear in all the conversations that we have unless the other wants to hear them. They can prevent one from hearing what the other wants to say if we are not sensitive to the problems that may follow. She concludes the article with a prayer.
But did you know? The automatic thoughts that we take for granted, judge, and evaluate are the ‘anger triggers’ that cause anger within us. So we really need prayer. Compassion is our nature. She prays before she enters the path of temptation due to her weakness.
