This question has no answer. Many try to give an answer, in most cases of little help. Especially words packaged with religious sentiments: "God takes those he loves first." He wants to ask those who say these words: "How about you receiving some of this love." God needs some angels so he took them. These and similar words are improper in the face of death.
The very devout Christian C.S. Lewis (1898-1963) after losing his wife to cancer wrote Grief Observed. A book that describes his feeling of loss and grief at times intense and other times indifferent. The writer underlined the following paragraph of the book.
"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly," he says "Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolation of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand."
After the death of his wife, he received many words of condolence but they were not consoling. He considered that they did not understand his grief. They don't know. Grief does not disappear with words. We say those words too easily.
These are people with a deep faith: why don't they understand? They are attempting to give condolence from their faith, we should not blame them for the effort. However, those who grieve when they have no other place to go, tormented with anguish, go to God to vent their feelings, whatever they may be, allowing them to breathe. He doesn't want that moment to come to humans, but in the end, you have to cry sadly even in front of God. Why does this have to happen to me? They have to ask God for an explanation.
If not the sadness is so strong they can't breathe. Human words don't work and God's silence just adds to the pain. It's then we need to seek an answer from God. Need to express our resentment to God.
He gives us the example of a famous Korean novelist Park Wan-suh (1931-201). In the same year, she lost her husband to cancer and her only son in an automobile accident while a college student. She was so overcome with grief she had thoughts of killing God. She had no thoughts that this was not to be done.
She took the statue of Jesus and flung it to the floor and heard from her act: "Feel free to be outraged, mad, and to kill me but I am here am I not? She saw vividly the sadness and tenderness in his face— the words of the novelist.
God is the last name that can be called at the end of suffering. Prayer becomes resentment, this becomes a curse, and thoughts of murder come out like a scream. It's only God that can accept these words.
At this time resentment towards God is not impiety. You know that it is only God that will accept your feelings of bitterness. Others with deep faith and tender hearts may see this and recoil at the words expressed but this feeling that arises (if it arises) should not be repressed. All will be alright is not the correct response. The one who is grieving does not hear the words that are said to alleviate the pain.
We can just hold hands, give them our shoulders to lean on, or gently pat their backs. He doesn't know any other way to mourn.
