Dialogue And Happiness in Marriage

A priest who develops programs for pastoral work in the diocese of Seoul begins his article in the Kyeongyang Magazine with the well-known story from the Talmud. A king sends two of his servants on a mission, one to find the most beautiful and good thing in the world, the other to find the most evil and deceitful thing in the world. Both returned having found the same thing--the human tongue.

The mind, says the priest, when not questioning the value of words has a tendency to trust in their genuineness. When one says "thank you" or "you damn fool" to a spouse, the unquestioning mind does not judge whether it was a situation that merited the word but accepts it as true  and stores it in memory. A good reason, he believes, why words should not be spoken lightly. A word spoken thoughtlessly in less than 30 seconds can last in mind hurtfully for 30 years.

If one wants to know how much love there is in a marriage find  out how much dialogue. All  unhappy couples know what is necessary for happiness but to do it  is not always easy.

 The dialogue between a couple can be divided into three types: quarreling (using words to turn against the spouse); irrelevant remarks that stray  from the topic (using words to turn away from the spouse); and being in sympathy with feelings and sentiments (using words to turn toward the spouse). The turning against and turning away kind of talk builds up stress and leaves scars. Turning toward dialogue helps to heal the scares and overcomes the stress, and leads to the happiness of the couple.

But the spoken word is incomplete unless heard. Listening is just as important, if not more so, than speaking. Whether what is said is accepted is not as important as the intent to listen to the partner.

The priest mentions that Genghis Khan wasn't able to read, but he listened to others, and  said, " My ears have made me wise."

He gives us the 1:2:3 rule.  Speak for one minute, listen for two minutes, and assent to what is said at least three times.

He ends the article by telling us that within a couple of years we can learn to speak on pretty much any subject, but to listen well, with an open and accepting heart, can take a  life-time of learning.  Listening is the basic requisite for dialogue and not only necessary for dialogue but for a life well-lived; it is an art. Dialogue that is right speech and right listening is the short cut to happiness in marriage. Unfortunately, many are taking  another path  without the same results.

Breaking the Addiction to Mediocrity

Wedesday began the season of  Lent; a  good time for  resolutions that will bring meaningful change into our lives. It's easy to go along with the old ways of doing things, forgetting that a strong  desire can change a life of mediocrity into one of fulfillment. A priest-psychologist, writing for the "Bible & Life" magazine, ponders the difficulty faced by those with an alcoholic problem in bringing change into their lives.

He recalls the muted scream from someone who heard his talk on alcohol addiction: "I read that those who try to overcome their addiction have a success rate of only 3 percent. Do you think," he asked, "that I can beat those odds?"
                                                                                                                      
The question was not serious, but a heartfelt cry from a person who had tried and failed.  Alcoholics have a desire to change, and what is not well understood is the need not to search for a cure for the problem, as is commonly done, but to manage the problem  by providing the care that is necessary. The writer has seen many programs on the problem of alcoholism but rarely on the recovery period, probably because of the  difficulty involved.

We must never forget. he says, that the primary reason we are interested in the problem of addiction is to have the person shed the addiction and lead a better life. Telling them that only a few succeed in doing this is not helping them but taking away what hope they may still have. 

Recovery from alcohol addiction is never easy. One has to have a firm resolve and realize they are fighting a difficult enemy. It will be a long journey and persons who are on that journey will find it scary. But there are  helpful oases and safe havens along the way, if they persevere.

Returning to the person who heard his talk on alcohol addiction, he advises him to tear that page out of the book that says only about 3 percent succeed. Statistics from outside the country have the recovery rate from 50 percent to 60 percent.

Lent is a time to begin a new way of living. To do everything as if it was going to be our last Lent. While the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, many of us are addicted to a life half-lived. Living in the past made present only by our calendars and watches will not bring change into our lives. To see a change we have to have a strong desire for change. It is a dying to the life of mediocrity, being born again to a fuller life, and living the paschal mystery.  We also will have the help of our community and the graces that will come if we open our hearts and  have a strong desire to see change. Catholics who make  Lent truly a time for meaningful change are no less deserving of praise than those who work to overcome their addictions to alcohol.

'I am Sorry, Thank You, I Love You'

Many years ago a classmate from seminary days and a fellow missioner here in Korea gave jackets to his altar boys for Christmas, and not one of them said thank you. He was surprised and mentioned it to the sister in the parish. He was told the boys were extremely thankful, but  expressed their gratitude in their eyes and  by wearing the jackets daily.Their gratitude was not with words, but with body language, a language not easily perceived by a foreigner. 

This 'silent language' has mostly disappeared and we hear the words 'thank you' often. A columnist in the Catholic Times reflects on the personal impact of three common expressions: I am sorry, thank you, I love you. "When we have been favored and treated kindly by another," he says, "we often do not say thank you. When we make another person uncomfortable and cause pain, we often forget to say sorry. A basic truth of daily life is to be concerned for the other. It is to give the other person what we would like to receive in return. If we live in this way, there is no anger, our feelings are not hurt, and our lives will glow."

He tells us that in the West, 'I am sorry, thank you, and I love you' are the words of the magician. Like a magician, saying  these words something good happens. "All know this," he says, " but we find those words difficult to express. When we feel gratitude let us express it with words, when we feel sorry let us say it. It often feels awkward to say thank you so it is not said, and we make another sad.  We find it difficult to say I am sorry, so we don't apologize and distrust arises."

In the family and in our daily life, if we used these words more often we would have more harmony and peace.  The columnist tells us about a research institute's report that found that the use of these three expressions, by their energizing effects, could prevent cancer and the effects of aging. But if we are not careful our words can be like daggers. The Korea proverb reminds us that we can pay back a debt of money with words.

When we use the right words, we leave another person with a good impression of us. An actor who says his words with his whole body is considered a good actor. We also should speak with our whole body. This is especially true of us who are people of faith, people who should have thanks, forgiveness and love in our hearts.

Abuse and Use of Internet

We often hear stories of crimes committed by those who have become addicted to internet games, stories that are even difficult to put into words.  A priest writing as a guest columnist  in the Catholic Times expresses his opinion concerning the movement to shut down the games in order to deal with the addiction.

He believes the problem is not primarily with the addiction but rather with family circumstances that do not allow for proper care of the children. He mentions a case in which a middle school child killed his mother and then, regretting his action, killed himself. Here was a widowed mother who had to work to maintain the family and wasn't able to look after the child. Effort should be directed, he feels, toward finding ways to support these families and to fund studies to determine the causes of internet  addiction.

Different groups in society are pushing for implementing the goals of 'Game Shut Down',  the words used for the movement. The intention is to block the reception of the games from midnight to 6:00 am for all under 16 years old, a goal many have wanted for some time. It would extend the time children have to sleep and  protect their health. However, the priest says this goal is complicated by families that urge their children to stay up late to study. Students who study at the academies to better their chances of getting into college are looked upon with pride. He sees no movement to 'Shut Down Study' to protect the health of these children and give them a good night's sleep. The 'Shut Down,' he says, is an effort to prevent the children from taking time from  studies and spending the time in playing games, but the projected plan is not in keeping with the times. He feels it is not equitable and will actually have little practical value.

If the addiction, and not the many hours of study and occasional gaming on the internet, is the problem, efforts should be made, the priest says, to zero in on the reason for the addiction. The result of all addictions is  the same-- alcohol, gambling, drugs. As they do in other countries, efforts should be made to have those addicted acknowledge the problem and to set up rehabilitation programs to help them return to a normal life.

For children who are addicted  to the online games, he feels that rather than forcibly blocking  them from going online, it would be more productive to find out why they have this non-healthy  approach, and then to help them recover so they can use the games in the way they are meant to be used. The misuse of something should not automatically take away its use; instead it should provide us with an incentive to study the root causes of the problem, and to set up guidelines so that children most at risk can make better use of the internet.  That the abuses are many is no longer open to debate. What should be done continues to be a persistent question. A question that deserves to be taken seriously by society.

Call to Action

The following  e-mail came from a Maryknoller who thought it would be of interest. Call to action from SPARK, PCI Member Organization  Solidarity with people of Jeju Island, South Korea  A call from SPARK Pax Christi International's member organization in South Korea Seoul moves to destroy JejuIsland - coral habitat to make way for an Aegis destroyer base aimed at China!    JejuIsland, a World Heritage Site, is a jewel of biodiversity whose southern coast  is home to a soft coral habitat. In 2001, the Korean Cultural Heritage Administration  designated it a national monument protection area. Its Gangjeong coast is also a  seasonal habitat for hundreds of dolphins that live there from June until September. They migrate from Alaska through the North Pacific Ocean to JejuIsland, the only  dolphin habitat in South Korea. And now the Seoul Government is about to destroy the dolphin habitat and  the traditional farming and fishing village of Gangjeong to transform an island known for biodiversity, international peace, honeymoons, and school trips into  a focal point of rising militarism and an arms race in East Asia. Seoul's target: China,  ironically the home of many of the tourists who visit Jeju. On Christmas Day, there was a peace mass, called, 'the Christmas mass to save life  and peace of the JejuIsland.' It was led by Bishop Kang Woo-Il, Chairman of the  Catholic Bishops' Conference of Korea and the Bishop of the Catholic Jeju diocese,  along with many priests and women religious on JejuIsland. The event was hosted by the Special Committee for the Island of Peace, Catholic Jeju Diocese. About  400~500 followers and Gangjeong villagers gathered and declared their commitment to save Jeju, Island of Peace, from the naval base construction. Bishop Kang Woo-Il,  who led the mass, said,  "Military bases cannot save peace and life" and that he  "would be together with the lonely and oppressed Gangjeong villagers." The latest report says that the navy is making moves against the people who have  been trying to block the construction machinery from beginning work.

Making Others Happy

On the opinion page of the Catholic Times, a columnist meditates on the meaning of Jesus Christ, and finds immense joy in what she finds. After many years studying scripture she has a new appreciation of what is contained in the name Jesus Christ. The word 'Christ' in Hebrew means the Messiah, liberator, savior; in Greek the anointed one. There is the person Jesus with the descriptive word Christ, a world of meaning giving us the reason for joy in life.

What does it mean to be baptized as a Christian? she asks. It is to accept Jesus as Lord and to enter a new life. She tells us without hesitation that the first outward expression of this faith life for her is a life lived with joy. All her sins have been forgiven; she has received entrance into the kingdom of God. She asks is there any news that gives more joy in life? I can call God, Abba, father. What greater patron or good fortune in life is there? When we search for justice we are freed from greed and enjoy freedom. It is for this reason that she daily gives thanks and tries to live with joy in her life.
 
The columnist tells us about a survey that was made of those who  have held up grocery stores in the US. They were asked when was it that they failed in their robbery attempt?  95 percent of them said when the owner greeted them with a welcoming smile. It then was impossible for them to point a gun at them. It reminded her of the Korean proverb: you can't spit at a smiling face.

She always tries to have a slight smile on her face when  greeting anybody. But has to be conscious of this when she visits the home of those who have lost a loved one to keep from doing what she does by habit in meeting people she knows.

In Korea, laughter and a happy heart are known to be the way to release endorphins into our bodies for better health. A happy disposition is the new health tonic. The columnist, when faced with  pain, remembers the words of Romans 8:28, where St. Paul says, "All things work together for the good." She knows when she comes out of the tunnel, there will be the light waiting for her. That is why even in the tunnel, she doesn't lose her ability to laugh.

The face is the mirror of our interior. We all have difficulties in life,  but we try to overcome this with a happy heart. We can be of service to others with money and our time, but also with joy on our face, with positive words of encouragement, and with blessings for others. To do this, we have to have  happiness in our own lives.  When I am happy, she says, I am able to make others happy.

Difficulties of North Korean Refugees

"I loved you before I met you." These are the words of Fr. Im Carmelo the Paris Foreign Missioner  the first pastor  of the  Kam Kok parish in Chung Pukto, the mother church of the diocese. He came to Korea  in 1896 and died in 1947. The Religious Sister who works in the diocesan immigration center starts her column in the Peace Weekly with his words.

On the Sister's visit to Pyongyang in North Korea in 2005 she had the same thoughts that Fr. Im had before coming to Korea from France. Escorted around the city by guides she was asked many questions about her life as a sister. They showed a great interest in her life as a religious. When she responded that sisters do not marry she was asked, "What does your wandering husband do?"  She did not know what to make of the question after telling them she was not married. She was sorry not to have had  more time to speak to them.

The sister is involved in teaching some of the refugees the catechism, and in so doing  noticed the many  differences in language and culture  between the North and South. I have heard the same  from others. One Sister who also has worked with the refugees said more than the language is the way they think. Over 60 years separated from the rest of the world  changes the way they relate and experience the world.

The ones who have made it to the South had to overcome all kinds of privations and near death experiences. Even though they are safely here in the South the barking of a dog at night, or the lights from passing cars coming through the bedroom  windows at night, bring back the fear of the Chinese security police that are coming  in search of them. This makes their sleep fitful. There is also the pain of not knowing what their family is suffering because of their defection. Life in the  South, consequently, is lived in the shadows.

The Center in which the Sister works is called the New Land Citizen Center, a word  recently coined. There are many who come to the center to ask for help. Some of the refugees were sold to Chinese men and were forcibly  sterilized.  They have reversed this and have had children but some with abusive husband have come to the center for help.

They have so much in common with the South and yet the  differences are not minor and these differences  will continue to grow until the future unification.