Many young people
spend a good part of their early years looking for a suitable partner
for life.To help them make this important transition to married life, a
priest in pastoral work for families has written an open letter in the
Peace Weekly, with some advice, knowing it's often a time when the young
are full of self-doubt and worry.
He reminds them that all of
life is a learning experience, beginning at birth when we learn to
walk, to talk, to become socialized enough to live amicably with others,
and to live intimately with one other person, as both take on the
responsibility of family life. One person alone meeting another such
person to love and take care of becomes a complete offering, the priest
says, when done unselfishly.
Marriage is one of the most
important events in a person's life, and should be an irreversible
event. That is why the choice of a life-time mate should be done with
great care. To be unduly influenced by the externals in making the
choice, not seeing the whole person, is likely to result in choosing the
wrong partner; the priest recommends that prayer be used to help make
that choice as intelligently as possible .
For couples to be
swayed by sexual desire and decide for marriage on this impulse alone is
preparing to live a miserable life together, says the priest. He
compares this motive to the first button of a garment. If not placed
correctly, all other actions are bound to cause problems.
You
want a person with the right worldview, a person who understands filial
piety as a way of life, knows how to use money, knows how to sacrifice
and be of service to others; obviously not an easy choice to make. It
would also help to know the friends of your possible mate, his or her
family, and, of course, as much of their preferences as possible.
The sacrament of matrimony, for Catholics, ties the two together in an indissoluble bond that only death can end; it's prepared for by the sacrament of confirmation and fortified by the Holy Spirit. In the marriage ceremony, the couple should be occupied primarily by the spiritual meaning of their union. A small and simple ceremony prepares for this in a healthy way; without elaborate ceremonial preparations, they are able to think of what they will give to the partner instead of what they will get. The night before the wedding the two would do well to prepare a letter, the priest suggests, outlining the kind of wife or husband they will try to be, and give it to the other on the first wedding night.
He prays they will overcome all the temptations they will face in life. Not all is accomplished at the wedding. They should remember that married life is a process. They are learning how to live together, and like beginning drivers, there is a lot to learn. He asks that they imitate the Holy Family, and be open to the graces they will be given.
What are the
elements of a good conversation? asks a priest in a recent column on
happiness. First: Listen carefully to the other, he says, especially
when involved in counseling work. There are few people in their 30s and
40s who don't already
know the answers to their problems, even if they have come for
advice. We need only listen attentively and sympathetically to their
complaints.
Second: Put aside the desire to win. In many conversations we often
try to convince the other person of the righteousness of our position.
It's even difficult to convince family members so you can imagine the
difficulty of trying to convince others who don't share your background.
People
find it difficult to change their thinking. The Jews for 400 years were
slaves in Egypt; when they received their freedom, they could not
forget
their past. It took another 40 years of discipline in the dessert to
rid
themselves of the slave mentality. And even after our Lord arose from
the
dead, it was difficult to change the thinking of the Apostles.
In life, we select some aspects of life as worthy of pursuing; others
that should be ignored. In
baseball, for example, a batter is considered good if he's able to
select the right ball to hit, at least one out of three times, making
the player an elite hitter. Balls are thrown high, low and off to the
side in an attempt to get the batter to make an out. This is often how
it is in life. Selecting the right ball, or story, is not easy. To think
we are going to put the ball in play all the time or win the heart of
those we
love all the time with our words is as unrealistic as a baseball player who never makes an out.
Third:
Learn to lose graciously. For Koreans, he says, this is difficult to
do. Everyone feels the urge to win, to do well in whatever field they
are competing in. Children, he says, who are taught to accept the
possibility of losing will live properly, but few today, young or
old, know how to lose with grace.
Fourth: Do not listen
only to one side and then come to a decision, based on some prior
knowledge that may now be inadequate. In our faith life, as in other
aspects of life, we can be moved by some new and enticing idea that will
later prove to be erroneous.
Fifth: End your conversation
cordially. There are times when relating with
others causes us to be upset. No matter how difficult the conversation
has been, we should leave with some kind word for the other. He
describes our Lord's conversation, while hanging on the cross, with one
of the two thieves nailed to the cross beside him, as an example of a
good conversation.
Sixth:
Do not quarrel. Better than clumsily judging is to have the wisdom
to leave it up to God. Before we are certain and before much thought, it
is best not to rebuke another. "Before investigating, find no fault;
examine first, then criticize. Before hearing, answer not, and interrupt
no one in the middle of his speech. Dispute not about what is not your
concern; in the strife of the arrogant take no part" (Sirach 11:7-9).
Words can bring both joy and grief, and the words of the good thief who brought him salvation at the very end of his life should be an example to us of how words can bring not only blessings but a more fulfilling life to us.
We are reminded by
the desk columnist of the Catholic Times that this year in the East is
the year of the snake. Our task, he says, is to use it
well. God gives us the seeds and not the fruit. We are to sow the
seeds and nurture the plant until it produces fruit. As we enter the new
year,
he asks us to ponder what would be necessary to make it a year filled
with hope.
For a Christian, he says the best answer would be to
make the journey with the Holy Spirit as our guide. As is true of any
journey, what is important is deciding with whom do we make the journey.
The Holy Spirit has promised to be with us to the end of time, which
should be reason enough to know which traveling companion is best.
While
a speedy and safe trip is always welcomed on any new journey, a
reliable compass pointing out which direction to take is more important.
If we lose our direction, we can roam aimlessly and get lost. A
compass is necessary to reach our goal. For us, it is the Scriptures.
Like rails a train needs to travel on, Scripture can carry us on to our
destination. Without it, our efforts are often derailed and our
destination out of reach. Likewise, without the proper guiding words and
prayer, we can find ourselves without a destination.
Scripture
not only aids us as a compass but as a map; the map shows us not only
our destination but also how to get there. What may be necessary, in the
new times we are living in now, is a new map, a new explanation to fit
the challenges of our present culture.
Let us rid ourselves of
our regrets and failures by holding on firmly to our Lord's hands. We
are loved more than we can imagine. When we are not relating with our Lord and have no reason for thanks, we will find ourselves lacking peace and squabbling with others.
When we can throw off our greed and show concern for others, we will
have thanks come back to us. Each day is a new beginning. Let it begin
with caring words such as I love you, Thank you, Be happy.
If we
are to experience the goodness of life and give thanks, it is taken
for granted that there have been times of helplessness; we should not
fear them. They are the shortcuts to experiencing blessings. We do not
envy another's good luck but try to imitate their persevering efforts in
not giving up when the going gets tough.
We are beginning a new
year and, as in all new beginnings, doing so without blemish or
regrets. Let us give thanks for this new beginning and live it with joy.
Each year at this
time we prepare for the New Year and in the Church also for World Peace
Day. The Holy Father greets all Catholics with his message of peace,
asking us all to be messengers of the culture of life and peace, as does
the recent editorial in the Catholic Times.
In the Pope's peace
message, entitled "Blessed are the Peacemakers," he notes that because
we all have a desire for peace we have both a right to its blessings
and a duty to work for its attainment, despite the continual threat of
bloody conflicts and war.
"It is alarming to see," he says, "hotbeds of tension and conflict caused by growing instances of inequality between
rich and poor, by the prevalence of a selfish
and individualistic mindset, which also finds expression
in an unregulated financial capitalism. In addition to the varied forms of
terrorism and international crime, peace is also endangered by those forms of
fundamentalism and fanaticism that distort the true nature of religion, which aims to
foster fellowship and reconciliation among people.... In effect, our times--marked by globalization,
with its positive and negative aspects, as well as the
continuation of violent conflicts and threats of war--demand a new, shared commitment in pursuit of the
common good and the development of all men, and
of the whole man."
The pope sees our universal desire for peace
as being part of God's plans for the world. Having been created with
this desire, it's only natural for us to make efforts to achieve it;
peace is the fruit of the gift of life we have received. Peace allows us
to live with others in fruitfulness, in fellowship and sharing. A necessary condition for its reception is to breakdown the dogmatic acceptance of relativism.
In
order to be a worker for peace, according to the editorial, we have to
be in continuous communication with God. We are then able to bring
light into the darkness that engulfs peace, overcoming evil in its many
guises: egotism, violence, greed, hate, injustice, to name only a few.
Those who are working for their eradication are the protectors of
peace.
In the world today, as the pope has mentioned, with its
injustice and violence, abortion and euthanasia, and the like, we are
violating the dignity of the person. And the clearest example of this
occurs when we accept the culture of death. It is the task of Christians
to work for the undoing of this culture of death. When we act against human dignity, we cannot foster happiness and peace. Let us in the new year be workers for peace.
Happy New Year
The novel Les Miserables, written by Victor Hugo in 1862, has been
very popular here in Korea over the years in movie, musical and TV
drama versions. A young woman in the French department of Seoul
University has written an article in the Catholic Times on her impressions of
the novel. She believes the reason for the story's power resides in Hugo's sympathetic treatment of persons who are faced with wretched circumstances and yet are able to overcome their problems with determination, skill and and unbending belief.
The expression Les Miserables
means the pitiful people. The novel recounts the lives of people who lack
virtue, the lives of the poor, and the unfortunate. The portrayal, she says, is realistic and
severe. But the misery and wretchedness is not only described negatively but allows us to see how such circumstances can be surmounted.
This
is especially seen in the fate of the main character, Jean Valjean, a
convicted criminal who was released from prison. He was welcomed into
the house of a bishop when all the others refused him shelter, and while in the house he stole the
silverware. When he was arrested by the police, the bishop told them that
it was his gift to Jean Valjean, which got him released. This was not
enough to get him to change his life, however, but he did so after an incident that
happened shortly after.
He
stole a coin from a
child.This was the first time that his conscience gave him trouble and
brought a change in his life. He was able, said the writer, to achieve
goodness through the evil that he experienced. Misery, pain, poverty,
sin--all present in and maintained by society are what we
have to continually strive to overcome. This is the driving force behind
progress and in the process of overcoming these difficulties we become
strong.
Although Victor Hugo was not Catholic, says
the writer, he rejected Catholic teachings and rituals but he
served a God of love and mercy.To Hugo, God was justice and
truth, mercy and law, and the God of love. The God of Les Miserables is
not the all-knowing and almighty God who, in the minds of some, determines our fate and instils fear but he who makes one surpass their will and actions
by working toward an ideal. It is for this reason that Jean Vajean is seen
as a Jesus figure. Like Jesus--God becoming man--Jean Valjean
in overcoming hardships, was man becoming God. He surpassed the bishop in
his passive mercy for he went into the marketplace expressing mercy to
those he met.
In 1789, with the beginning of the French
Revolution, the curtain came down on an era in which people entrusted
everything to God. Now humanity accepts responsibility for making history and for deciding the future direction of society. In the second part
of the book, after the June Revolt of 1832, this is made very clear as the the search for freedom and justice becomes the central focus of the story.
However, misery
does not easily disappear. There is the cunning and evil innkeeper,
the women who in order to live have to sell their bodies, the police office
using force and unfair laws to get his way, and the continual
existence of poverty, misery and pain. And yet by facing these difficult circumstances with
positive values, humanity will end up the victor and be directed to God.
Jean
Valjean is Victor Hugo's ideal human. He lived justly, but to the very
last moment of life he suffered and died lonely, embracing and forgiving all. In Valjean, we can see the image of Jesus, of Prometheus who stole fire for humankind,
and of Sisyphus who continues to roll the stone uphill, only to have it fall
back to the bottom again,requiring still more effort to push it once more uphill, in a seemingly hopeless task.
A
question does arise for many after reading the book or seeing one of
its many adaptations and wondering why was it on the list
of forbidden books of the Catholic Church. To answer correctly such a
question we have to locate ourselves in the times and the Europe in which the book was published. See what was happening in society and how the book would be received by the Catholics. Victor Hugo was
brought up Catholic, kept his faith in God but gradually lost all
sympathy for the Catholic Church. His view of life in any event would
have been in some way formed by what he grew up with even though in
later years he was turned off by what he saw and experienced in the Catholicism of his times.
Today is the Feast of the Holy Family, and the editorial in the Peace Weekly
stresses the importance of family life, especially because of its
influence on the health of our society. Starting on the 30th of
December, a week will be set aside for reflections on the family and its
sanctification.
The end of one year and the beginning of a new
one means that everybody will be busy with many things. However, during
this busy time we need to reflect on what a family is and how to make it
a small domestic church. In his message for the Feast Day, the bishop
responsible for overseeing the health of family life in the diocese says
families are finding it difficult to withstand the distorted values of
society, and the bonds of family are weakening. The role of parents in
correcting the situation cannot be stressed enough, he said, and noted
that we should not pass over lightly the causes and solutions that are
implied.
In these times, we have many young people who are
hurting, because of the distorted values that have infiltrated family
life. Pope John Paul saw the family as the "intimate community of
love." And yet there remains in many families selfish decisions, parents
desiring satisfaction through their children, spouses demanding a
one-way sacrifice of the other, lack of understanding, and the like,
which makes for instability of the family. Today it is even difficult to
find unconditional love in the family. Problems with the young are
often caused by societal and educational difficulties, which are usually
preceded to a great extent by the breakdown of family values.
The
Church sees the family in a much deeper and spiritual way than does
society. Parents are to love each other as Christ loved the Church. It
is this example of love that all parents should have. Before the desire for their children to enter a first-rate college and succeed in
life, they should be concerned with having the Gospel values introduced
to their children.
Mother's role in the family is central. All of us received our first feeding at our mother's bosom, and learned something about love and courage from our mothers. The mother's hands extending to the child should be like the extended hands of God. In this way, the child will grow in love.
Fathers should have the same trust and faith that Joesph had in God when Joseph took care of Jesus and his mother. The place of the father in the family is obviously of great importance. No matter how difficult the situation may turn out to be, he is responsible for the welfare of the family.
We
are coming to the end of the year and the editorial hopes that every
family will get together to talk about how they will become a holier family in the new year.
Because the
relationship between husband and wife is so close, it's not surprising
that they can be easily hurt by the words they say to each other. The
words that tend to cause hurt feelings depend, according to the
priest-columnist of the Peace Weekly, on the biological differences
between male and female. In his weekly column on happiness, he explores
the effect of our gender differences on a couple's happiness. Whether
this is mostly myth is the reader's choice to make; it does make for
interesting reading.
In the male, speech is controlled by the
left hemisphere of the brain; in the female both the left and right
hemisphere control speech. When the left hemisphere of the brain in
both the male and female is damaged, as sometimes happens in a violent
accident, the male loses his ability to speak, the female does not.
From the time of creation God made man to speak 10,000 words a day while the woman was made to speak 25,000 words, says the columnist. Let
us suppose, says the columnist, that during the day both the husband
and wife, at work or in the home, have spoken 10,000 words. Then that
evening when they are together, let us also suppose that the husband
doesn't want to talk anymore while the wife still has 15,000 words she
wants to share with him. It's easy to understand why the woman becomes
frustrated, believing that he simply does not want to talk.
Continuing with the gender differences as they manifest in our everyday behaviors, the columnist says the
male can do only one thing at a time while the female can do many
things. The woman while active doing something, let's say cooking, can
also do a number of other things, like listening to what is being said,
talking on the telephone, among other things; the man, supposedly, can
do only one thing at a time. He says the woman's sight is also more
developed than the man's, distinguishing more colors. When a couple
goes shopping for clothes, determining what goes with what is often a
contentious issue. The woman also has better visual memory than a man's.
At any large gathering of people, the man will remember only a few of
those he meets, the woman will remember many. The man also loses more of
his hearing ability than the woman.
The woman, however, finds it
more difficult to follow directions. And with age the woman loses
spacial cognitive abilities.This is something husbands would do well to
remember, he advises.
Man's skin is four times the thickness of
the woman's. She, however, has more fat which allows her to endure the
cold better than the man. However, with age she shows her age quicker
than the male because of her thinner skin.
The woman's senses are also more acute and she is more emotional. When the husband is sick she often begins her caring efforts with words of comfort and then prepares
the medicines and food. When the wife is sick many husbands do not know
what to do. He is often less perceptive of what his wife is feeling,
sometimes only noticing his wife's anger after the instigating situation
has passed. With a husband whose senses are dull, and a wife who is
very sensitive, there is bound to be conflict.
The obvious
consequence of these gender differences for a man and a woman living
together is likely to be unhappiness, unless, says the columnist, the
couple learn to accept the differences between
the sexes, and refuse to make them into an obstacle in achieving
happiness together. Once this is accomplished, a beautiful harmony
becomes possible, with the man and the woman taking turns deferring to
the other in areas where the other is more competent.
