Affection in the Life of Refugees

 

A refugee from North Korea explains in a column in the Catholic Times that the transition from the North to the South is difficult for most of them. They have had to overcome many difficulties, she says, even the threat of death. And yet there are  some refugees who want to return to the North, and do.

Life in the South is not easy for the refugee. They have to work hard, and because their speech gives them away as being from the North, they experience prejudice, have low paying jobs and seldom receive the human affection they were accustomed to having in the North. The North also makes it easy to return and gives them a sizable sum of money and a chance to appear on North Korean television.

In her article, she says she misses the love and affection she experienced back home the most. Lacking family ties in the South, this affection is difficult to replace, she says. Since October of last year she was in a place of rest for Korean refugees and says she was able to adapt well to the new conditions, with help from the religious sisters at the center.

She worked  part-time in a restaurant where many would ask, because of her speech, if she was from the North, and also ask about certain Chinese words and their meanings; she would answer that she wasn't Chinese, making it clear, upset though she was, that she was Korean. She remembers the words of one of the religious sisters: "More than money you are learning about people so do all your work zealously and it will not be difficult." Remembering these words has made her work less difficult, she says, knowing that no matter what she does, how well she fits in will depend on how well she responds to the environment.  Personal relationships, just as the sister told her, are extremely important regardless of where you find yourself.

For refugees the biggest difficulty is the language and cultural differences. A friend,  who has been in the country a year longer than she, was working in a beauty parlor and mentioned that  the language and  the culture posed the biggest problem. There were many misunderstandings and friction with those she was working with. This is also the situation for most of the refugees, the writer says, admitting that you can't very easily change habits that have been with you for over 20 years.  This is not only the case with her friend but true of all those who have defected to the South. She mentions how the owner of the restaurant in which she works has often mentioned, laughing, what he considered to be her "bad habits."

Her biggest need, she says, is for affection. Without the affection of parents and friends, she says that settling in the South is a major problem for refugees and that the fear of separation continues to haunt them and makes intimacy with others difficult. As for herself, she says that when she has affection for another and it comes to parting, it is like a needle in her heart, giving her much pain. This is a sad fact, she says, for all those who have left their families to come to the South. 
           

Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Counseling, a topic of great interest in Korea and the focus of a recent article in the Kyeongyang magazine,  discussed the differences  between counseling and spiritual direction, and the benefits of each. Even in Catholicism the interest in counseling has grown so that it's not uncommon for parish bulletins to list locations where these services can be found.

In  counseling, also known as psychotherapy, deeply troubling problems that people find difficult to solve by themselves will often be solved, or at least mitigated, by seeking the help of a counselor. In spiritual direction the aim is to help the Christian to grow in their spirituality; they are both interested in the growth of the client. They are similar in that one person is trying to help another, but both methods have different ways of dealing with the clients.

The basic difference, according to the magazine article, is that in therapy the person is the center; in spiritual direction God is at the center. The motivation of the counselor  and the spiritual director is also different. In therapy the effort is made to solve the problems faced by the client, to enable them to adapt to their daily life while the believer in spiritual direction is trying to find out what the will of God is for them and what is the  spiritual meaning of their lives. They are looking for ways to discern how God exists and becomes present in their daily lives. From the time of the Desert Fathers to the Middle Ages spiritual directors have had exemplary teachers to follow.        

There is  a difference also in the therapeutic counseling received from a Christian therapist. In the past, says the priest-writer, the counselor would avoid getting into the spiritual, but this has changed precisely because the  person is made up of body, mind and soul.

Those who come for spiritual direction, unlike those looking for therapy, are not having difficulty with problems in their lives. This doesn't mean they don't have problems, but they are not there for that reason, but to have a different relationship with God. In spiritual direction the relationship with God is all important; they feel when they do not have that close relationship with God the soul will be sick.

Those who are counseling in spirituality without requisite knowledge of the spiritual life will find it  difficult, for it is not the  area of their concern. The therapist who considers that human  autonomy is the sign of maturity will be working with their  psychological theories; those who have been trained in spirituality go beyond human autonomy, believing that being dependent on God is not a negative, but this can be overlooked by the therapist. Those that have the training in both spirituality and therapy will not be making this mistake.

Many therapists say that people with a good foundation in religious faith are greatly helped to live meaningful lives.  Those with a strong faith life also find it much easier to be helped by therapy than those with weak faith or none at all. Which means that the therapist should take this into account when working with clients with a faith life.

When the therapist takes no account of the person's spiritual life the result will be diminished, and the counseling will frequently be terminated suddenly.  The therapist with a knowledge of spirituality, however, will have an easier time solving problems, regardless of their origin, when he is approached by those with a genuine interest in being helped.   
 

Formulas for Happiness

Where there is a  void there are always those who will try to fill it. Catholic papers and magazines, as well as the secular press, spend a lot of time discussing not only how to achieve happiness, how it is ardently desired, often missing in our lives, and providing formulas for its successful achievement.  The Peace Weekly gives us several formulas that some experts in the field, from England, the United States and Korea, have devised for finding happiness.

The English formula was done by a psychologist and a counselor who came up with the formula: H= P+(5xE) + (3xH).  Happiness equals: Personal characteristics, outlook on life, adaptability and resilience. E stands for Existence and relates to health, financial stability and friendships. H  stands for the higher order of needs: self esteem, expectations, ambition, and the like. According to this formula the person's  personal qualities and E, his situation in life,  will determine his or her degree of happiness. The qualities that follow a person's Existence will be 5 times more influential than the others.  This formula was worked out after interviews with over 1000 persons.

The US formula was conceived by a psychologist in the 1990s. His formula was H=S+C+V.  H  stands for on-going- happiness. S (biological set point)  is the sum of the genetic capacity for happiness: race, sex, disposition, and so forth.  C stands for life conditions: the external conditions of one's life-- money, marriage, health and religion. V stands for  voluntary activities: what a person is able to control with his or her will.

According to this study, when the ultimate goal is rated as 100 percent, the place of  money was 3 percent, provided the person has enough money to take care of their needs for food, clothes and housing. V depends on the will power of the person. When one does not have a goal toward which to concentrate their energy, this energy dries up and there is languor, which easily becomes despondency. Giving a percentage to the different categories: the voluntary gets 40 percent; circumstances get 10 percent and the set point gets 50 percent. Efforts to change our environmental situation  will only help 10 percent of the time. The author of this study says that what is meant by genetic capacity refers to the period before the age of 6. The happiness of this period increases the influence of the genetic capacity.

The Korean formula, devised by a Korean professor, is: H=2.5 E+2.5 R+5 G. The E  stands for the factors concerned with our existence: financial status, society, politics, the cultural  environment, in short, our living  condition. R stand for relationships, the correct raising of children, the harmonious  relationship among family members and with others, and our place in society.  G relates to personal growth, self-esteem, identity, a positive view of life, service to others and religion, among other things. For a Korean, relationships are very important. When happiness is given as 100 percent in this formula, relationships will amount to 25 percent; personal environment, financial condition and external factors will be 25 percent; a person's personal qualities: self -esteem and a positive outlook on life will be 50 percent.

The article concludes by attempting to see the common elements in the three formulas that will nurture this happiness, which turn out to be:  giving ourselves completely to what we are doing, and putting our internal life in order (goals, identity, relationships, and having a positive disposition). Where we live (family, friends, work, leisure) were also determined to be important.  Since these formulas were said to be scientifically determined by the use of well-researched questions and interviews, I wonder what the deductive and traditionally religious understanding of happiness would reveal. Would it confirm or deny some of what these formulas have discovered?

           

Liberty, Equality and Fraternity

In the history of the West there have been numerous  revolutions but the one called the Great Revolution occurred, according to the professor writing on the opinion page of the Peace Weekly, in France in 1789. It was the revolution that broke down the walls, he says, that separated the social classes and ushered in many of the basic rights and equalities we enjoy today. He says, with admitted exaggeration, that we can separate world history into the "time before" and the "time after" this Great Revolution.

Looking at the history of that revolution closely,  we can see, he points out, a great deal of it involved violence and fanaticism. Under the banner of liberty  and equality many innocent people were killed.  Using  reason in the place of God, the instigators of the revolution, ironically, ended up acting against reason, and public order came to a halt. Ultimately, the course of the country was to follow a path of encroachment on other countries that developed into French Imperialism. Because of  this, some historians see this time as one of the darkest moments in  French history.

Why, he asks, did the revolution begin with the high ideals of liberty and equality and end up with a  government that struck fear in the hearts of the French people, finally turning them against the government? Octavio Paz, Mexican novelist, essayist and poet, says that it was the incompatibility of the two ideals, equality and liberty. From the beginning, these two values, he says, can't  be reconciled.  Liberty does harm to equality, and equality does harm to  liberty. Liberty makes inequalities more profound and equality oppresses liberty and in the end destroys it. Fraternity, the third value that stems from the revolution, is, according to Paz, what keeps them together. Fraternity can also be seen as "philanthropy" (benevolence), which the professor considers a better translation of the word than "fraternity."

This fraternal love of others is what will unite liberty and equality, which are enemies to each other.  According to Paz, the slogan of " liberty, equality and fraternity" is an important element of all democracies, but of the three, fraternity is the most important because it unites the other two.

In our modern societies, the differing values placed on liberty and equality have brought us a world divided into two camps: those who value democracy (liberty) and those who value socialism (equality). There seems to be little hope of uniting the two effectively and peacefully. We see this in the way Korea is divided into the socialist camp of the North and the democratic camp of the South. In the democratic South we have unlimited competition, a winner-takes-all capitalist mindset, while in the North, with its socialist system, most of the population lives in fear, and oppression an equality they did not envision, and not the equality the republic was to bring them.

The new Cardinal Yeom, who is also the Apostolic Administrator of Pyongyang, said in his first talk to the press after receiving the honor that there was a need for expressing the fraternal love between the two parts of Korea. An openness to reconciliation and respect are what each side should give the other, he said. The professor on hearing these words said that his heart was greatly elated. For a Christian this emphasis on world solidarity is a familiar goal and a legacy with which we have been intrusted. He hopes the Cardinal will be instrumental in working toward  healing the  internal and external conflicts we currently have in society, and that he will continue to work for the unification of Korea.

Happiness: The 11th Commandment

In the diocesan bulletin the head of the Salesian research center for the study of pastoral work with the young writes about the 11th Commandment, happiness; it is meant for the young, he says.

A priest from Rome who came to visit Korea some years ago stopped over in Tokyo and visited a high school considered educationally well-equipped. He visited one of the classrooms and was given the opportunity to talk to the students. "Are there any students who are not happy?" he asked.  He was surprised at the number of students who raised their hands. With such a beautiful and well-equipped school he was surprised to see the large negative response.

For the young, happiness is a fundamental requisite for growth, without it the young will, he says, have difficulty growing into mature adulthood. The priest writer, who works closely with the young, says he  is always pleased, and envies in a way, the joy he sees with many of the young: laughing, chatting and enjoying their time together. There is  no special reason for the joy but only a natural response to the quality of goodness they frequently encounter in life. When happiness fills our lives, he says, sin does not have a chance to enter, for we are able to work positively on our self-development. This happiness gives them balance as they grow into adulthood. Philip Neri, a saint from the 16th century, told the children to do what they wanted, provided they loved God and didn't sin.

Today there are too many things that diminish the happiness of our young people, such as the relentless competition surrounding college entrance exams, the lack of  freedom in the beginning years of education, family debt, and the lack of time to just play because of the pressure to continue studying in  the academies, even after the school day is over. All this takes away the joy of growing up.  And the inordinate desires of the parents also make it difficult for children to be happy, regardless of how much or how little they study, which disposes them to despondency.

It was Don Bosco who considered happiness the 11th commandment for children. When children are happy they are spontaneously  open to exposing their souls.  It is then that the educator is able to convey more than knowledge, joining it with growth in human qualities.  Happiness is the driving force that helps children grow to maturity. And very likely we can expect that children who are not happy will become addicted to some false good in life. 

The writer feels that the reason we have so much addiction today is a sign of the lack of joy in the life of the young. It is said that the devil is afraid of those who are happy, for they are being drawn by God. And while they are in this state of happiness they can be moved by grace.

Catholic Youth of Korea

"Young people are leaving the Church!" are the catchwords heard often when we discuss the present crisis in the Church. The cover story in the Catholic Times asks: Is this the reality?--while also mentioning that the absence of the young in the Church is not a recent phenomenon. According to current statistics, only 7 percent of Catholics from 20 to 35-years-old go to Sunday Mass, but this figure is best understood when compared to the overall percentage of Catholics going to Sunday Mass, which is 25 percent; this gives us a more accurate picture of the situation.

If the figures are correct, what are the reasons for the poor attendance? Have young people turned their back on the Church? A survey made by the Seoul diocese revealed that 36 percent of the young feel there is a lack of opportunities to grow in the faith. But 76 percent have a good feeling about the Mass and the Catholic liturgy. A sign, says the Catholic Times, that the young are thirsting for the experience of spirituality.

In Korea, parishes determine who is practicing their faith by using small paper slips with the name and address of the Catholics. These are used when the person goes to confession during Lent or before Christmas. There is a basket outside the confessional where they put the slip of paper prior to making their confession. They are later gathered and the names  inscribed  in the parish register. When a name is missing for three years in a row, that person is considered tepid. The statistics which are reported by each diocese are  based on this information.

The writer of the article mentions that young people, despite not going to Sunday Mass in large numbers, are often found participating in religious programs. There is also a continual  increase in the  number of young people who are coming into the Church. So we cannot assert, says the writer, that they are turning away from religion and the faith life. He wonders whether those making these statements are looking on the young with preconceived ideas and distorting what can be learned from their non-attendance at Mass.

Young people are looking for God in the places where they happen to find themselves, in their activities and where they feel most passionately alive. Since the young move a great deal  they don't  find it easy to plant their roots in parish life. But find it easier to be active in their school life and their workplace doing apostolic activities, and nurturing their spiritual life. In a variety of different groups they are active in service to others and helping those who have difficulties.

He lists a number of young people who are very much involved in  groups studying the Scriptures. They spend their day in the workplace and in the evenings are involved as leaders in these Scriptural study groups. Many of them don't use the identifying slips of paper, but they are, nonetheless, he says, zealous Catholics.

No matter what one may imagine is the case, the writer feels that the evidence does not support the contention of some that many of the young have left the Church and their religion. They are still very much the hope of the Church, he says, and this hope will continue to inspire the Church into the future.

They Must Know They Are Loved: St. Don Bosco

A Salesian priest writes about an acquaintance who came to him for advice. A boy whose parents were working overseas was finding it difficult to adapt to the life in a new culture, and was sent to live with his grandmother back in Korea. He promised he would study hard to pass the qualification exams for college. But despite the promise, he showed no interest in studying, and spent most of his time with computer games and rarely went outside, living a very spiritless kind of life.

The grandmother, though disappointed by her grandson's lack of resolve in his studies, loved him dearly and wanted to respect his decision to choose the life he wanted to live. Deciding to find ways to help him, she went to a counseling center specializing in helping young people, and discussed the problem with them. When she tried to persuade him to give the counseling center a try, he told her that his situation was not one that needed counseling. 

In order to understand her grandson better, she scheduled regular meetings with the counselor. She had no intention to cure the grandson from the addiction, for at the time she did not realize he had an addiction problem.  What was important to her was to accept the grandson as he was. It wasn't easy, she said, but she never broke the emotional bond that tied her to her grandson. And when he finally began to feel her love for him, he opened up and revealed the difficulties he was having in his life. She then was able to speak to him about what was troubling her about living with him. Because of this ongoing dialogue and sharing their feelings about each other, he started to be more concerned with her feelings and with finding ways to please her.
The next time the priest met the grandmother she was filled with joy. The grandson had decided to begin  counseling for his addiction. Now serious about getting rid of the addiction, he was hoping for the best. How many more problems they will have the priest doesn't know. But both grandmother and grandson were hopeful for a successful resolution of the addiction. 

It took the grandmother some time to come to the point where she could accept the grandson's situation. This waiting, says the priest, was the sign of her love and respect for the grandson. 

Love, however, is not sufficient, according to St. Don Bosco. Love has to be felt when dealing with children. Almost all parents love their children but not all children feel the love of the parents. Love is often not shown in a way a child can understand, but given in a way the parents feel it should be given, in a way that pleases them. This love is a possessive love, the priest points out, the kind of love that controls and restricts. This kind of love has hidden within it the pressure that the child is mine and he or she is to like what I like.

Once a child perceives true love, they will make the effort to open themselves completely to the parents. This is the key to educating the young. Love that is felt, the priest concludes, should be the starting point when we are educating the young.