Divorce in the Twilight Years

In her weekly Column in the Peace Weekly, a religious sister considers the problem of divorce in the twilight years which is now not an uncommon occurrence in Korea.

One day B came to the Sister crying: "My husband  had an  affair," she said, "my chest is cold and feel I am going to  die." As she listened, she wondered was the husband doing what she claimed was the case?  She met the husband by accident. He denied the affair and hated his wife so much that he didn't even bother to explain.

They have lived well for over 30 years. A Marriage Encounter couple who participated in many activities and lived an exemplary religious life. So those who knew them hearing about their separation found it hard to believe and the sister also who knew the couple before they were married found the news shocking.
 

The husband wasn't much of a talker but a family-centered person with a gentle smile and faithful social life. During her encounter with the husband, he was greatly disturbed and blurted out: "Am I a money-making machine? I had to worry about every penny I spent. I wanted to die."
 
It was obvious that it wasn't just a woman's problem. At the moment, it was sad to think how difficult it was  living in a situation with heartache and feelings  building up one upon another and couldn't express them. The wife was the family head, living with a passive husband, and now she wants a little life, but the husband's rebellion put a stop to all of her desires and Sister felt sorry for her. 

At some point, her husband was bothered by the wife's harsh and rough words, and the wife was annoyed by her husband's coldness, whose cause was unknown. The husband lived without receiving respect and recognition from his wife. She lived desiring a heart to heart encounter with her husband. The wife was busy with heavy housekeeping the husband worked hard to support the family and now they were busy shooting arrows of anger at each other, always the fault of the other.
 
Sister was frustrated as a friend of both. What he wants from his wife is 'respect', and what she wants from her husband is 'candid conversation'. But they refuse to even talk to each other. They made wedding vows before many guests and God. They loved each other when they got married and sacrificed for each other.

One of the causes of divorce during the twilight years of life is the lack of communication. But communication doesn't mean only the sharing of words.  First of all, communication starts with the story of the true self. So these couples should open their hearts to each other. The story of 'I', not 'you'. If one is not able to do this they may need professional help. 

Of course, speaking won't change the past. However, my view of the past may change. A small light can light up the gloom and darkness of the past and help one change the tone of the encounter with the other.  Another small light and another may appear. Then the past will look different, even if it doesn't change. If the past looks different, the present will be different. If the present changes, tomorrow will change.

Korea and Japan are Neighbors Aren't They?

At the beginning of Oct, the Catholic Northeast Asian Peace Research Institute held the 3rd International Conference on the 'History of Korean and Japanese Relations and the Healing of Memories'. Uijeongbu Diocese was the setting for the discussion and the meeting of religious and academic persons, looking for peace. The conference was sponsored by the Catholic Times and the Diocesan National Reconciliation Committee and written up in the Catholic Times.

In a welcoming speech, the president of the Catholic Times mentions that the Korean Supreme Court is deciding the responsibility of Japanese companies to provide reparations for the forced labor of Koreans and at the same time they are discussing the relationship between the two countries.

 1) Overcoming Historical Memory

A Russian professor in Korean Studies made the first presentation. Historical memory has to be overcome to realize peace. There is a need to overcome the negative image of conflict between the two nations and begin a new history with the goal of peace and prosperity. Japan's colonization on the Korean peninsula has left a negative image of Japan on the minds of Koreans. The objective situation is difficult to change, but the mutual images that each country has of the other can be improved.

 2) Healing of memory

The Japanese Church has taken the lead in restoring relations between Korea and Japan, which are deteriorating day by day, and seeks to improve the mutual image for peace in Northeast Asia.

 A keynote speech by the bishop president of the Justice and Peace Council of Japan acknowledged the responsibility and apologized for the colonial abuse. He acknowledges that Japan in the war caused indescribable suffering in many Asian countries. He also apologized for the fact that the Japanese Church cooperated with Japan's national policy of war.

A priest, a professor and the secretary of the Justice and Peace Council of the Japanese Episcopal Conference, gave the second presentation, and also apologized for Japan's war in Asia and pointed out the mistakes of the Japanese government and the media are currently making. In particular, he emphasized the social participation of the Korean church and the activities of the Japan Peace Council. Throughout the process of democratization, he explained the Japanese Church's solidarity with the Korean Church. In Japan, the regime's social control is becoming stronger, which will require that the citizens of the two countries need to be the light and hope— especially civil movements concerned with peace and human rights, and the connection between religious people and scholars.

3) Efforts for Reconciliation-Solidarity

Various opinions were shared to lead to reconciliation between Korea and Japan. Bishop of the Uijeongbu Diocese, who was in charge of the second session, looked at the issue of historical memory from the perspective of the affected party. The bishop pointed out that the root cause of the Korean-Japanese problem lies in the history of colonial rule and that it is necessary to know the history.

 Efforts for reconciliation need to be followed by the apology of the offender. However, under the current Abe regime, this is difficult so what is needed is the solidarity of the citizens. We cannot wait until the apology comes from the Japanese government but need to increase solidarity for reconciliation, and the prayers of the two countries.

A professor of Japanese Studies at the Anglican University was in charge of the second session, also argued that the civil society of the two countries should search for the wisdom to overcome the vicious cycle of conflict and confrontation between the two countries using the principles of human rights and peace.

4) General Discussion

In the third session, a comprehensive discussion on the causes and solutions to the deterioration of Korea-Japan relations was conducted. Participants expressed deep concern over the current break down of relations between Korea and Japan, and actively debated in recognition that Korea and Japan were inseparable from each other.

Participants cited that differences in perceptions on past issues between the two governments make it difficult to resolve the dispute. This is because the two countries' exchanges are centered on economics, ignoring serious reflection on fundamental historical issues.

In particular, he stressed that the Abe government should seriously and sincerely reflect on the past and actively make efforts to establish peace on the Korean Peninsula and in Northeast Asia. The South Korean government also said it needed a corresponding effort. Apart from the government, solidarity and cooperation among civil society will be an important asset for peace.

In particular, the consensus was reached on the importance of education in history. In this way, the civil society of both countries jointly proposed the creation of contents that can be easily accessed by the public such as textbook production, film, drama, and animation.

They also agreed that the Korean and Japanese churches should pray and come together to improve relations and achieve peace in East Asia. In particular, it was determined to promote exchange and cooperation among all classes within the church and to eliminate feelings such as 'against Japan' and 'dislike of Korea' feelings toward each other. It was also said that efforts were needed to understand and improve the situation of the "Korean-Japanese in Japan," which are suffering greatly from the worsening relationship between the two countries.

Small Is Beautiful

A college professor in a Peace Weekly article reminds us that 'Small is Beautiful'. He tells the readers his business card contains a few things besides his name, job and contacting information. On the back of the card, he has the cover pictures of two books he has published on city planning and design— good publicity. When they take the card without looking at the backside he is sad.

 Also, he has five Chinese characters on the back. He made his own slogan to fit our Korean reality using the phrase 'Small is Beautiful'. His five words together mean: 'Many small things together give strength and beauty'. He refers to the book written by Ernst Friedrich Schumacher (1911-1977): Small is Beautiful: a study of economics as if people mattered. A book very popular around the world at that time.

But can small things be beautiful? Forget the beautiful, can small things survive around the large? Schumacher says yes. He proposes an economy that values people and respects the natural ecosystem, not an economy seeking mass production and mass consumption. When small things come together, a healthier, truer human-centered economy is possible. Is his claim that small things can be beautiful valid?

To have a decent gentle city that the citizens want, we need to see the city with new eyes. Citizens are the owners of the city; what we have is not given by fate but can change according to the wishes and courage of the inhabitants. The strength of each citizen is small but when they work together as masters by words and deeds strength increases. 

Being the author of two books on cities he is invited to give lectures. At the end of the lectures he introduces his five-word slogan:'Many small things together give strength and beauty'.

We can divide the world's economy into two, one is a dinosaur-like economy and the other is a rabbit-like economy. If we inadvertently consume the products of large corporations and multinational giants, do you think the size of the dinosaurs will shrink? If we don't help the rabbit economies, such as village businesses, social enterprises, and cooperatives, will the rabbit economies survive among dinosaurs?

How can we make a beautiful world, a world where the strong and the weak live together; a world good in God's eyes? The professor finds the answer in small is beautiful. I believe that if many small entities are in solidarity with each other and strengthened, they can be reborn as strong and beautiful new realities. 

Even if half of the population in Seoul and the metropolitan area is lost, smaller cities will benefit and need to think about how to work together with the other cities in building good public transportation and in other areas to benefit the citizens.

Grains of sand separately are weak, but when united tightly together, they are no longer weak. Smallness working together can become strong and beautiful.

'Hwa-byung' is it only a Korean Problem?

In Korea, the term 'Hwa-byung' made up of two words: 'Hwa' meaning anger and Byung, illness is used frequently. The International Classification of Diseases lists this as a Korean folk disease. 

 

The word 'Han' from the Chinese character (恨) expresses the feeling of sorrow, resentment, vexation that has not been resolved. English doesn't have any good equivalent. 

 

All Koreans know and understand what is meant. An ache of the heart may be a good rendering of the meaning.

 

'Han' is both the symptom and the cause of Hwa-byung. This feeling of victimization, resentfulness, feeling helpless and not able to resolve the situation leaves one with pent up feelings that are said to pervade the culture.

 

Koreans have had more than there share of unjust issues to deal with in their history. The many invasions, the caste system in Korean history, the period from 1910 to 1945 under the Japanese colonial rule, followed shortly after by the Korean War and the division of the country. But the reasons are not limited to external situations of the country but are expressed as arising when people are restrained from confronting their feelings of anger as a consequence of circumstances which may be in the family.

 

A doctor professor in psychiatry gives the readers in a diocesan bulletin an understanding of the symptoms and causes of the malady. Problems affect the body and become an obstacle in regulating and dealing with anger.

 

The common and major symptoms: heat welling up from inside, resentment, pent up emotions, lumps in the throat and breast. The healing process, according to the doctor is similar to many other mental problems in society. Finding what the reasons are for the feelings and working to eliminate them. Both to change thinking and behavior.

 

To prevent the onset of the illness it's necessary to keep the right balance between control and expression of the emotions. It is not healthy to become angry and not know the reason or have a good reason to be angry and to bottle it up inside. It's necessary to express our emotions properly.

 

One can't help wondering in the world today whether this is a trait limited to Korea. With the unrest we see in the world it may be a good idea for the specialists to begin studies on the existence of the 'Hwa-byung' in other cultures.

Why It's Difficult to Judge

On a street near one of the train stations in Seoul, workers gather looking for work. The police are there to keep order. The workers there to sell their manpower to feed their families. Whether it snows or rain the workers are waiting to be hired for the day when the waiting time is over there is both the mixture of joy and sadness. Those selected will take the vehicle to the worksite and the others empty-handed head home.

 The average monthly salary in Korea is about 3,000 dollars but the gap between the have and have-nots continues to get larger. So begins an article in Bible and Life by a Seoul parish priest.

 The words of Jesus come to mind in his parable of the grape workers waiting to be hired. They were the poorest in society. Worse off than the slaves of those days. The salary at that time for a day's work was one denarius, barely enough to feed a family. The kind landowner of the Gospel went looking for those without work right up to sunset to send them to his vineyard.  

 Calling the workers to work in the vineyard is not the central issue of the parable, the focus is the payment of the workers. Those who worked from sunrise got the same amount as those who worked only one hour. They received what was promised but they expected more: "They only worked for one hour and we worked the whole day in the hot sun—yet you paid them the same as you paid us!"

 It's common sense that the workers get paid according to time spent in the work done. However, in this case, the owner had a different standard. This owner did not consider the quantity or quality of the work. 

 "My ways are not your ways—it is Yahweh who speaks. Yes, the heavens are as high above earth as my ways are above your ways, my thoughts above your thoughts"(Isaiah 55:8).

In a short story called "The Last Judgment," Karel Capek (1890-1938) tells of a murderer, a serial killer, Kugler, who arrives before God to be judged. He is brought before the heavenly court to see if the afterlife would be heaven or not. God is called as a witness who explains thoroughly to the judges about the crimes. They sentence him to lifelong punishment in hell. Krugler expected God to be his judge: "Why you who is God don't judge but allow people just like me to pass judgment?"

 God answers: "I know everything if the judge knew everything... he would not be able to judge. Consequently, he must know only about the acts of killing that you are guilty of. Since I know everything I am not able to judge."

 In this short story, we are given a reason why God's judgment is always just and the reason we have to have mercy and love towards others. God knows our story from the time in the womb and from before, we see only the results of action. In the parable of the vineyard, we see only inefficient workers, God sees workers who can't find work.

 In the parable of the kindhearted owner of the vineyard, we see the loving heart of God. In this world as in the manpower markets of the world, we see the capable and not so capable. In the clamor of the world, we, on the other hand, know that God is offering us his graces everyday like food and wants us to recognize and accept the invitation.

The Unity In Love

We are in the Auschwitz concentration camp at night. The early winter moonlight is cold and white as it shines inside the barracks.The inmates look ghostly lying in line and the barracks in complete silence. It is not too difficult to imagine such a scene. This is often the background in movies and documentaries. 

Breaking the silence is a song from the corner of the barracks. It is a song of an ancient Hebrew prayer called "Kol Nidre".  Moonlight shines  on the face of an old man staring at the night sky through the window. The prisoners wake up quietly, one by one, and stare at the moonlit face of the old man. At the end of the song their faces show signs of joy. The old man was so engrossed in singing his prayers that he didn't notice that the inmates were  listening.

One of the survivors from Auschwitz, Leon Szalet testified that the hope that had begun in the death camp that night was "a delight that only those who have fallen to the bottom" can  experience. The  testimony of Szalet arose in the thoughts of our writer in his article in the Peace Weekly for Mission Sunday Oct. 20th, due to Korea's gloomy religious reality.

Religious people talk too freely and easily about God they believe. Questions about the biggest difficulties and   puzzles in life are met with ready answers and great conviction. For a while, this was heard on TV healing programs, but nowadays  the public square has become a battlefield for political ideology. The writer does not have the ability to comment on the extreme remarks of the few  people coming from the square.

In the society in which we live, if a religious scandal hits the media, all religions will be mocked on a large scale. Many of the Zacchaeuses  (Luke 19,1-10), who are in the Sycamore trees will, descend from the tree and just return home. God-denying atheists, skeptics, who have been curious about Jesus Christ just turn their backs and walk away.

What song should Christians sing in this dark night? What song should you sing to the Zacchaeuses in the trees.Those who cry in the pit of pain what song will bring them the hope of deliverance?

The Zacchaeuses of this age want to hear God's promise to be with us even at the time of death. When such a song of salvation is heard, you will sit and listen in a devotional manner like the Auschwitz prisoners. In addition, the Zacchaeuses are thirsting for unity. This is because we are tired of conflict and dividing into factions.

The Christian faith is small but an intense spark. The flame must not be buried in the ashes of conflict. To be neutral or have  vague attitudes are signs of  spiritual laziness. Coming out of the ashes, you have to ignite the desire for harmony and healing. People are hurting because of all the  conflict and hatred, but why not sing the gospel song of reconciliation, forgiveness, love, and brotherhood?

We look forward to seeing  in our religious leaders a message of healing and unity. That is the song that Christians should sing now, and the good news for which  Korean society is waiting. Suddenly, our writer  misses Cardinal Kim Su-hwan.

The Search for Meaning

Life is filled with many woes: not satisfying, weariness, boredom, much is missing. The moment this changes to joy, shortly it returns to the original state. We are bound by the chains of dissatisfaction.  A professor in the science of the mind in an article in the Kyeongyang magazine gives us a scientific understanding of what humans desire.

Antonio Damasio, a neuroscientist, says all life has two basic emotions: positive and negative. If it is a negative emotion one strives to be rid of it, if positive one wants it to remain. This is true of all the many different emotions. 

What do we desire to avoid and what to possess? Hunger, pain, danger, are all associated with death, if possible we try to get rid of them. Satisfaction, security, happiness are related to life and we desire them. This is a basic principle in biology. All life follows this principle.

However, there is one exception, human beings. Up until now, it's only humans that kill themselves. We hear stories of animals killing themselves but they are only legends. Only humans show an absence of motivation to initiate purposeful activities. We see it often in cases of depression, not found in any other animal life.

 Not to desire anything is seemingly to rise to a high level of self-control but it's not a plus. In serious cases of depression, one often falls into this kind of situation— no desire to eat, sleep, no joy, or sadness. No motivational desire, there is no will even to kill oneself.

In 1944 in the concentration camp of Auschwitz many thousands of Jews were incarcerated. Vaguely they believed they would be freed at Christmas of that year. This was a groundless belief but it gave them hope. But nothing happened and within a week many died. A month later they were freed.

 What one hopes for is not that important. Hope itself gives life, energy. But without hope, seeking only power brings death. People who are depressed often kill themselves when they are recovering. They find the strength to do it.

 Of the seven capital sins, greed, lust, etc. half of them are to do with selfishness. When nothing is desired that is a very serious situation, it's called sloth. Eating to satiety, to rest and play is not just laziness, when all motivation and hope are missing we have depression.

 The writer uses Heidegger's expression of having been thrown into the world. We don't know what is our destiny which makes us feel uncomfortable. Greed, lust, gluttony, pleasure doesn't solve anything. It leads to boredom. Anxiety leads to depression and helplessness.

Hope is not only looking to win the lottery, get into college, get a promotion. This is only a release from the present anxiety using a temporary pleasure. It's not traveling around the world,  bungee jumping or other activities on our wish list which are just forms of escape, and bring more weariness and fatigue.

We need not ask what we can gain from life but what life wants from us. Our life can be unhappy, tragic, but it is not necessarily a failure. Life's object is not happiness or success. We need to look for what life is asking from us. It is the search for meaning.