What Kind Of Parent Are You?

Recently a middle school student set his house on fire killing four members of the family. The boy wanted to go to art school but the father was opposed. His habit of hitting  the boy to get him to study was another reason given for the boy's action. His father had the patriarchal notion of authority and wanted his son to do what he desired. Talking about the problem with his son was far from his thoughts. A columnist with the Catholic Times used the incident to reflect on this serious problem in society.

In this case, she says it was the father's use of authority to disciple the son without showing love that triggered his rebellious action. The problem often begins with parents who are not interested in what the child wants but only what they deem necessary for them, believing that the parent knows best. The consequences of such parenting is that the child does not learn to express his or her feelings but just accepts what is said and obeys, often with hostile feelings toward the parent. This does not bode well for the future; the way the parent acts towards the child will often result, when the child  reaches puberty, in the child acting in the same way toward the parent. Resentment will tend to explode like a volcano and words the parents used with the child will come back to them like a boomerang. If, for example, a parent says: "What do you know about this, just listen and obey." Similar words might be used by the child when responding to parents: "What do you know, leave me alone, that's how you can help me." 

Parents have to learn how to listen to their children to learn what the child is feeling; they will then be better prepared to direct the child correctly. The columnist titled her article "Before  being student parents, they are parents."  She  quotes from a public service advertisement she saw: "Parents tell the child to look to the  future, student parents tell them to look at what is in front.  Parents say associate with the  other students, the student parents tell the child to get out in front.  Parents tell their children to dream and student parents don't  give the child  time to dream." Are you a  parent or a student parent?

She hopes being parents of children comes before being parents of students. Parents who do not listen to the desire of their children and  force them unconditionally to study are not raising children but treating them like animals. When children are raised with love, they become loving human beings, a gift from God. Children are not the possessions of parents. Parents should find out what the dreams and desires of the children are and help them to achieve these dreams.

Having a strong desire for an education is considered a blessing in Korea, but it is also a reason for much sadness. Effort is being made now to change the overly competitive environment students face, but the expectation of parents and the competition to get into the better schools are so strong that until parents and children can separate education from its use simply as a means to get ahead in the economic world, the problem will be with us for some time.

Learning to laugh

Eventually, what is in vogue in other countries will make its appearance in Korea and usually improved. The Global village is a blessing or not depending on our ability to discern. 

Recently, we have been hearing about different programs  dealing with laughter in our society: laughter therapists, laughter coaches, laughing Yoga, and sensitivity programs  bringing more laughter into our lives. Could this be a sign that there is not enough laughter in our society?

The editorial in the Catholic Times mentions a program  a group of religious attended receiving  accreditation in being teachers for laughter. The programs are welcomed by individuals, organization, companies and now finding a welcome in the church.  The title of the program was: "awaken laughter that sleeps within." Anything that will help us to be more authentic and happier is certainly welcomed.

Some years ago the editorial tells us a Religious Sister with a yellow butterfly necktie over her religious garb played the clown by moving her body every which way, rattling on and singing. She had the many thousands gathered to hear  talks on spiritual subjects  riveted  on the Sister, overcome by laughter. At the time they did not know what to make of what happened, for they  were there to hear talks on spirituality and  this Sister during one of the rest periods gets up on the stage acting the clown. However, looking back in retrospect, they did pay  more  attention to the spiritual talks and were relieved of much stress by her time on the stage.

This past week there was a training program only for religious. The religious recently have begun to reflect on the relationship of laughter to their spiritual life, but they express that it is not easy for them to join others in their programs. The usual programs have little to do with spirituality.

The religious learned during their training program the deeper significance of laughter: laughter of the body, laughter of the spirit, and the happiness that comes with the ability to laugh. This time together allowed them to look within and uncover areas of life they were not familiar with and to rid themselves of the obstacles that prevented laughter from entering their life.

The editorial hopes they will continue to be therapists of laughter. If the religious can add this role to their other duties, as they minister to thousands of people, they can be conduits of laughter within the  Church.

The Korean Church has imported many movements from the West; we have all  the Catholic movements that exist within the Church.  Many of the programs may have lost vitality in the countries of origin, but in Korea, they are going strong. In the years to come there is hope that the Koreans will develop their own programs that will help us  spiritually, and export them to the rest the world.

Catholics Who Are Not Seen In The Pews

Two Korean Priests traveling in Europe on Christmas Eve some time ago found themselves in a large metropolitan city and made their way to the Cathedral Parish to attend Mass. Their experience was written up in a bulletin for priests. During the sermon, sirens were heard; probably, from the security system, the priests thought, and after some effort on the part of those present the sirens ceased only to start a few minutes later. During the Cardinal's sermon, some of the church-goers got up and walked out. The Cathedral at the beginning of Mass was only half filled  but by the end of Mass only a few remained. The sound of the sirens was too much of a distraction for most of them to pay attention to the sermon and for other unknown reasons the congregation diminished in size.

This scene made a big impression on the priest. Did the Cardinal realize the congregation was not listening or could not hear what he had to say? He concluded that the seats in the congregation were too far away from the altar and the pulpit--meaning the congregation was not tuned in on what was going on in the sanctuary.

The priest feels that the Church in Korea is where the Church in Europe was 50 years ago. The Church saw what was happening in Europe and decided to examine the causes and to make changes. It was a chance to see the world differently, a new way of seeing culture and language. Recognizing that a materialistic civilization had begun to influence the Church, it decided to "opt for the poor."

The problems encountered by the European Church have not yet come to our attention. The Church here, instead of seeking the causes of these problems by a rigorous self- examination, is wondering why Christians are not listening, and is surprised at the response. The priest wonders if he is  the only one who feels this way.  The basic problem, is that the Church doesn't seem to see the poor in society, or is it, he asks regretfully, that we don't want to see.

We are fortunate in being in a Church that is filled with energy. The ghetto-like atmosphere that had been present is breaking down. We are ecumenically sensitive, dioceses are looking beyond their borders, the Church is actively welcoming religious orders; efforts are also being made to go out to other parts of the world.

It is true that we have become a middle class Church, and many of the poor no longer find the Church a place where they feel comfortable.  Because of the growth of the Church, money is needed to build churches and start programs; this puts pressure on those who have difficulty meeting their needs to survive. The need for money was not as necessary in years past when it was a simpler and poorer Church. There are first and second collections, monthly collections (denarius cultus) to bring in money for the up-keep of the parish and diocese. Even the fine clothes that many wear to Sunday Mass make it difficult for those who can't afford to dress as well to think of going to Church. How to solve these well-known problems is not easy.  Some within the Church are more aware of this reality than others. In time, we will be getting our Dorothy Days-- those who will make us more sensitive to this other world. Wasn't this what the priest-visitor to Europe was telling us?

Dialogue With Other Religions Is Mandated by Love

Korea's reputation as a country with a good record of interreligious harmony is deserved, but recently there was an incident at a Buddhist temple where some Protestant young people did their best to tarnish this reputation. They entered the temple and held their service there, asking God to destroy the temple, which they considered a place of idol worship.  They made a  video clip which was available on the Internet.  It was not only an embarrassment to all believers but to the majority of Protestants. This prompted an editorial in the Peace Weekly and articles in the Catholic press.

The Protestant minister responsible  did go to the temple with the young people to apologize to the monks; the apology was accepted but this did not stop the many blogs that responded to this senseless act. The Buddhist authorities responded with a simple statement, lamenting the action:  "What was done threatens our pluralistic society and our peaceful coexistence. It shows not only that a conflict exists between Buddhism and Protestantism but that it a problem for our society."

Two articles in the Catholic Weekly make clear the importance of  understanding and  respecting another's religion. History gives us many examples of the harm done by self-righteousness and cliquishness. Even in our own times, terrorism and wars are on the rise, instigated by our failure to understand those different from ourselves and to accept this difference.

We as Catholics have the teaching of the Church that makes dialogue between religions imperative for peace. We must make a greater effort to understand and respect those who are different from ourselves, but we must at the same time realize this does not militate against our desire to want others to join us, and we respect the same feeling on the part of others. It must also be understood that we do not look forward to making all religions one.

Catholics see the dialogue between religions as the way to strengthen each religion. Cardinal Francis Arinze was quoted as saying:"Members of the different religions can positively stimulate  each other."  When we see faithful Muslims praying 5 times a day it helps us want to be more faithful in our own prayer life. When we work together with other religions we are working for justice and the progress of society, and also expressing our love for others.

One article observed that for those who do not have a strong foundation in their own religion there is a danger to accept a relativistic view of life: all relgions are the same, they are just different ways of going to God. There is also the eclectic approach of trying to make them into one religion. When a  person does not have a good grasp of his own religious tradition, dialogue is meaningless. 

A Consolata father, a member of the Bishop's Committee for Interreligious dialogue  ends the article by saying "Before Christians begin the dialogue, we have to keep in mind that God is the father of all and that we believe God loves even those who do not believe. Dialogue between religions is putting into practice the love that God has for all.

Reading the Scriptures With the Heart and the Head

Starting on the Feast of Christ the King to the Saturday before Advent, the Korean Church will celebrate Bible Week. It will be an opportunity for Catholics to do more reading and living with the Scriptures. This year we start the week with the apostolic exhortation of Pope Benedict's Verbum Domini (The Word of the Lord), a reflection on the 2008 Twelfth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops on "The Word of God in the Life and the Mission of the Church."

The two Catholic papers had editorials and articles on how we can make Scripture a part of our lives. This year the emphasis will be on living the Scriptures rather than simply knowing what they say.

The Peace Weekly, along with their article, had the picture of a young Japanese woman who had received the prize for  excellence in the Suwon Diocese Scripture Competition.  She had only been baptized  a year and yet, in the parish preliminaries, was picked to represent the parish in the diocesan competition. She was also made a small community leader.

In 2008, she was in a traffic accident that required a  serious operation. This made her think about her purpose in life; she realized not everything was under her control. Although she had no interest in religion, she went to the Catholic Church and asked for instructions. She finished the course and was baptized with the  baptismal name Rita.

She  met her husband in Canada, where she was studying English, and were married in 2003. Her husband was a tepid Catholic, who had been away from the Sacraments for 15 years. Seeing his wife's effort to learn about Catholicism motivated him  to return to the Church.

The day before the finals of the competition she was notified that her maternal grandfather had died. She didn't know whether to forget the finals and leave for Japan or to stay and compete in the finals. When her husband said he would get the tickets and arrange  everything, she felt better about staying, which allowed her to finish the competition and win. This brought joy despite the sadness of her grandfather's death.

This is just one example of how many Korean Catholics have taken the study of Scripture seriously. In the  past they have used many catch-phrases: "let's read, write and be close to the Scriptures." Now, the words are: "Let us live the Scriptures." After many years of effort in getting to know the Scriptures, we have learned to appreciate the necessity of approaching the Scriptures less with the head and more with the heart, if we are to bring meaningful change into our lives.

Do We Need Guidelines on How to Die?

During this month of November Catholics think of death and  pray for those who have died. The trees are shedding their leaves, and nature  goes to sleep, which makes thoughts of death come easier. The secular press does not spend much time reflecting on the meaning of death but the Chosun Ilbo has an interesting account of a book, "Dying in the Hospital."

Written by a Japanese doctor, the book chronicles his 16 years attending 300 persons who died in the hospital. It convinced him that it was not the place to spend one's last moments on earth and that when his time came, he would not spend it in a hospital. Although those dying in a hospital have access to all kinds of life-support equipment--to help them breathe and receive nourishment--their days are neither  living nor a dying. It is not dying as a human being and meeting death with dignity, so the doctor says.

He tells the story of a 40-year old man who, after he was told he had terminal cancer, left his hospital bed and went home to spend his last months with his family. This time with them was the  most important of his 40 years, he said, and the kind of message he wanted to leave behind for the family.

The columnist refers to a survey of 298 cancer patients who were receiving anti-cancer treatment six months before death. In Korea 95 percent of cancer patients would be receiving such treatment; in the United States, it would be only 33 percent. He believes the reason for this discrepancy is that Koreans have a strong attachment to life and the  denial of death is pervasive. When death comes suddenly into their life or the life of their loved ones, it is difficult to accept.

The column ends by mentioning that the Korean Institute of Death has published guideline material on how to prepare for death. It begins with instructions on preparing the last will and testament, how to inform others of one's impending death, how to improve the relationship with the doctor, and what the family needs to know. That we in this modern world need guidelines on  how to live, the columnist understands, but that  we need them for dying left him perturbed. However, in this world where extraordinary measures are often taken to live well, it is also important  to know how to die well.

Korean Purgatorial Societies

In most  parishes, a group of parishioners are responsible for helping those who are nearing death.  Stateside they are often called purgatorial societies. Members pray, have Masses said, or do good works for the dead. However, in Korea these societies have been 'Koreanized,' doing much more than is commonly expected, which shows the importance of death in the Korean psyche.

These Korean societies assist the family in every way possible and arrange for the priest to come, if the one dying has not already received the Sacrament of the sick. At death, when the undertakers were few and the people poor, the members of the society would do the work of the undertaker as a voluntary work of love. They would wash the body, clothe it, take care of the rites for placing the body in the coffin, and pray the office of the dead (yeon do); when sung, this takes about one hour.  This was a  great consolation to  the family, for many would not know what to do. They would also make the funeral arrangements and be on call for the bereaved family until the burial and even after, if the family wanted.

Some parishes have their own mortuaries where the body remains until the day of the funeral. Members of the purgatorial societies  are usually the older parishioners and not infrequently,the largest group in the parish. They have motivated many people to return to the Church, seeing the devotion of these Catholics as they went about their duties during times of  bereavement. Their presence at the home of the deceased or in the mortuaries  giving strength to the bereaved families is truly a beautiful sign of God's love.

During this month of All Souls, many articles on death and dying  appeared in the Catholic press. The  Peace Weekly interviewed a 53-year old who has been a  member of the society for ten years.  When she joined at the age of 43, many of the older members thought she would not be reliable, perhaps believing that at her age, she would not be able to have sufficient empathy for those who are facing death; they expected she wouldn't last long. However, they changed their minds soon after she became a member. They now call her Mrs. Kim, the undertaker.

She travels to different parishes giving lectures on the office of the dead and how to recite it. Having a mother who used to walk an hour every day to Mass helped her to follow naturally in her footsteps, and seeing death often as a child also helped. At the age of 10 she saw a woman who had hung herself in her garden; at 13 her younger brother died suddenly, and in high school, she witnessed the death of a street person. When she saw people stepping over him on the sidewalk, she had her first doubt about the dignity and goodness of humans. All of it, she believes, was a preparation for her work as a member of the society.

These purgatorial societies are an important  part of the Church but probably nowhere in the Catholic world, outside of Korea, would you have a purgatorial society that expects so much from its members. We are  grateful to them for their selfless dedication in performing a difficult task so well.