Flexibility in Love, Gift to the Other

The columnist covering spirituality for the Catholic Times introduces us to a pair of lovers who had been dating for about a year. Because they believed there was a growing lack of concern for the other, they were contemplating giving up on the relationship, so they came to him for counseling. He asked them to express their feelings on the situation.

The girl spoke first. "He doesn't express himself. When I phone him he often--and I think deliberately--doesn't accept my call. When I send him a text message he doesn't always reply. I get angry and he acts if nothing is amiss. I ask him to explain himself and he acts as if there is nothing to explain, and then I get angrier. His words just make it clear to me that he feels I'm a nobody. I  want to make him happy and believe he will change, but nothing changes."

Looking at his girlfriend the boy, with a sigh, says, " When I'm busy, isn't it understandable that I can't answer the telephone, but this causes big trouble.  When I don't respond to her text messages she sulks the whole day; she questions and cross examines. What is important is that I love her. God and the  whole world knows this. She is the only one that doesn't know it or doesn't believe it. This means we have to stop seeing each other, doesn't it?"

Here the columnist mentions the importance of seeing that each has a different value system when it comes to social interactions. The boy tends to distinguish matters using value judgments of right and wrong, public and private; the girl tends to judge matters using the categories of good and bad, love and sympathy.

By showing them the different ways they tend to see life, the columnist succeeded in improving the relationship. And they continue working to understand each other's way of seeing life.

Because each of us is living with our own particular value system, it is not surprising, he says, that our values are sometimes at odds with those of someone we love. Changing one's values is never easily done but for the love of the other we often are moved to make some adjustments, putting aside one's own values, while trying to understand the values of others. Ultimately, the flexibility of love brings about a change in one's own value system, at least to the extent of being more accepting of the values of others. Trusting in our love for the other, this flexibility in values becomes a gift to the other.

We Are Our Brother's Keeper

Writing for the Catholic Magazine, a Religious Sister, who heads the desk for the prevention of suicides at the headquarters of the One Heart One Body Movement, reflects on the progress and needs of the movement.  We continue to hear about suicides, she says, but there is little that is being done. She admits that she feels helpless about the situation, which is part of the reason we are, she contends, not only leading in the number of suicides among the developed countries, but Korea is also number one in the increase of suicides.

Every 37 minutes a young person commits suicide. She laments that few are  concerned, after an initial response of "It's sad." There is no desire to understand or appreciate the seriousness and sadness of the situation. The Sister feels that without this basic empathy for those that are taking their lives, we will not see much  change. She wants us to realize that we are dealing not only with the death of the individual but with the person who discovers the suicide, the family, friends, the school teachers-- in all there is likely to be at least six persons who are mentally and emotionally affected by the death. The  potential for epidemic results occurring is also present.  It is not only an individual problem but a societal one. And we shouldn't forget that those who attempt suicide are 10 to 20 times the number that succeeds in taking their life.

Mass media coverage of suicides is also a problem. Little discretion is shown in the reporting, as if the reasons for the suicide were warranted. The news reports sound as if suicide is a natural consequence of  what the person was facing and gives the impression that suicide was one way of solving the problem. There are many who have the same and more pressing problems but have no thoughts about suicide.

There are many steps  before a person takes their life, the Sister says. It is not just a one-step process. Catholics see suicide as a sin but also know that it is in most cases the result of mental stress the person can't overcome. So there is no longer any difficulty in having a funeral Mass for the deceased.

The One Heart One Body Movement is trying to educate the many different groups in the Church to become more aware of persons who are in need of help. Korea has started the Gatekeeper Movement to sensitize citizens to those who are under mental stress and might be contemplating suicide. The Sister hopes that more Catholic parish groups  will take advantage of the programs and use them as a leaven to expand the work throughout the country. Sister reminds us we are our brother's keeper, and with the appropriate knowledge, we will be able to hear the silent screams.

Having the Heart of the Novice

The Desk Columnist of the Catholic Times remembers a retired reporter of the paper who still remains interested in the progress of the paper and communicates this interest to the writer of the column. Seeing that even in retirement the reporter keeps a keen interest in the paper and expresses this in his comments and encouragement, the columnist felt that the best way to describe the former reporter is to call him "young in heart." 

The writer reflects on the meaning of this expression in Korean, and believes it can be summed up calling it "the heart of the beginner," what some would mean by the word 'novice.' The zeal that the novice has is quick to disappear with successes.  The journalist remembers when  writing his first  articles for the paper, he would spend much time and anguish in selecting the words and rewriting repeatedly  so the readers would find it easy to approach his writing.

He recalls the words he wrote in his  pocket notebook: Be humble. Do everything to the best of your ability. Meet the news sources with a bright face. Remember that as a reporter and as a person of faith you are doing God's work. Never lose the  feelings you had when starting out. 

These were the words that were handed down to the writer from those who preceded him, and  he considered important enough to write in his notebook. When a difficult problem comes up, he remembers to go back to the "heart of the beginner." At that time his heart beat faster, he was excited, and he had expectations and motivations he would like to experience again.

The word 'beginning,' he says, always brought him feelings of delight. However, we slowly get lazy and, settling into a routine, blame ourselves for allowing it to happen. The beginning heart is always young, as when entering a new job or when getting married and expecting great things--negatives are never contemplated.

If we want to be a magnanimous person we should, he says, have three hearts: the beginner's heart, the zealous heart, and the supporting  heart. Once we have the beginner's heart the other two will follow; we will become zealous and others will help and encourage us.  If we let familiarity overcome our beginner's heart, however, we will, he says, have the greedy heart, the worrying heart and the doubting heart.

Difficulties in Helping Others

In one of the Catholic magazines, a priest-director of a diocesan counseling center for foreign workers recalls his experience with a Vietnamese worker who was near the end of his stay in Korea. Would he return to  Vietnam or become an illegal alien?  the priest wondered.

The young man entered Korea in 2005 and after working for just one month became sick. Afraid they would send him back to Vietnam, he dropped out of sight. It was in 2007, as an unregistered foreign worker, that he appeared at the counseling service to receive free medical treatment. We made arrangements, said the priest, for an operation at a government hospital. The exam showed there was blood in the brain so he was sent to a larger hospital for the operation. This required a lot of money and the counseling service had to ask for financial assistance to cover the costs.

After the operation, the young man's medical problems began to disappear, and although he had to continue taking medicine he only had to show up once a year for tests. His parents were invited to come to Korea to stay with him, and he was given a place to say while recuperating. His recovery was going well and our efforts on his behalf seemed justified.

But not everything turned out well. The relationship with his wife, who sacrificed in taking care of him, turned sour, and she left him to return to Vietnam.   His younger brother, who was in Korea,  also caused him problems with his erratic behavior.

Because the young man was an unregistered alien, the priest went to the immigration office to ask permission to continue with his therapy, assuring them he would stand as surety. He did this every year during the period of therapy, until he finally was given six months to prepare to leave the country. He agreed and said he would buy his own ticket. But from that day on he disappeared. 

No word has been received from him, and the priest has no idea what happened to him. He believes he is still in the country, but rather than checking with the office of immigration to find out for sure, he prefers to believe that he left the country. He admits to feeling at times like a fool, betrayed and used by  the worker, but most of the time he reminds himself that he didn't help the man to have him do his will. He  helped him because he believed he was doing the will of Jesus . He felt he learned a great deal from the incident and is convinced that he  loved in the way Jesus would have wanted.

Catholic Understanding of the Population Problem

Disagreements on population issues are about 300 years old. And knowing the truth on these controversial issues is not easy, since much of what is accepted as fact is not supported by honest and objective research.  The Catholic Peace Weekly, in its series of articles on the culture of life, discusses the issue of overpopulation in a recent article.

The writer tells us that the debate on birth control came to the fore toward the end of the 18th century, with the beginning of the industrial revolution in England. Dependence on workers gave way to the use of machinery, and the discussion began on what is gained or lost with an increase in population. Most experts agreed that we had a problem of too many people and this had to be dealt with by restraining births. So 'birth control' came to mean suppressing births. The refrain often heard was "the food supply was increasing mathematically while the population was increasing geometrically.

In 1945, the recommendations of the UN  Population Council  spread to the developed countries and into the political and economic thinking of the world. International meetings were held to discuss the merits of suppressing births to raise the underdeveloped countries out of poverty. This interest continued with the book, published by the Rome Club, "The Limits of Growth," in 1972, which led to Korea's efforts to decrease population.

Population policy, the columnist says, originally had to do with the efforts of individual countries trying to solve the problems dealing with the quantity and quality of life within each country. It involved not only births, but also deaths and migration. But starting in 1960, it was primarily the reductions of births that was a concern. Ironically, the countries that accepted this thinking are now dealing with the fear of a decrease in population, lack of workers, and aging. 

It is not the poor countries of the world that have seriously harmed the world's environment, says the columnist, but the rich countries with their excessive production and consumption.  Looking back,  it is readily seen  the dangers from  the population increase predicted by  politicians and experts  were  greatly exaggerated.

Experts in the Catholic Church  have made it clear the  dire predictions were not based on a careful understanding of the facts.  The columnist goes on to say that though there are understandable problems with overpopulation in some areas of the world, this should not be handled artificially and with force, but with education. Families should be helped to carry out their duty to foster love, and make their own  decisions on the number of children they feel able to raise. Countries that are well off should help the poorer countries and concern for distribution and sharing should be part of our thinking. He concludes the understanding of the Catholic Church on these matters has been justified.

Globalization and Christians

Changes that occur in any society, whether known or unknown, tend to be stressful, bringing misunderstanding and often conflict. One of the big changes recently is our ability and desire to communicate easily and quickly with people from all over the world, giving rise to what has been called the 'one world' we now find ourselves living in. One of our Korean bishops, in a series of articles in the Catholic Times, discusses the subject of globalization and the Christian response.

Catholics must utilize, the bishop said, the principles of solidarity found in the Social Gospel as a way of solving the problems connected with globalization. Knowing the teachings of the Social Gospel would help us understand the way the Church sees globalization.

The bishop introduces us to what Pope John Paul said in 1999 in  the post-synodal Apostolic Exhortation Ecclesia in America (#55):  "By her social doctrine the Church makes an effective contribution to the issues presented by the current globalized economy. Her moral vision in this area 'rests on the threefold cornerstone of human dignity, solidarity and subsidiarity'.  The globalized economy must be analyzed in the light of the principles of social justice, respecting the preferential option for the poor, who must be allowed to take their place in such an economy, and the requirements of the international common good." He continues: "The Church in America is called not only to promote greater integration between nations, thus helping to create an authentic globalized culture of solidarity, but also to cooperate with every legitimate means in reducing the negative effects of globalization, such as the domination of the powerful over the weak, especially in the economic sphere, and the loss of the values of local cultures in favor of a misconstrued homogenization."

Among the many experts, there is  little  disagreement on the way the Pope has expressed himself. But they would like to see the Church go deeper into the problem of the poor-rich divide and the difficulties that derive from this inequity in society. This requires a new examination of the problem, and setting up new ways of dealing with it.

The changes we face today are great and many, the bishop said, and the accompanying problems surpass even those that followed the industrial revolution. He said we can't just look at the bad effects and work with expedient solutions, but sincerely make efforts to adapt to the reality of the world we are in. In the Korea of today, this would mean dealing more effectively with the recent immigrants, our poorest of the poor.

We are seeing a growing polarization as a result of these changes in society, and the Church has yet to come to grips with this problem resolutely and directly. The Church can't help but  face this new reality as  part of the pastoral work of the Church in evangelizing society. 

International Families and Education

A Religious Sister who works with immigrants writes about the problems of the newly arrived foreign women married to Koreans. To illustrate a typical problem, she mentions that the oldest of two boys (4 years old), born to a Vietnamese woman married to a Korean, can only be understood by his parents. The mother came to Korea knowing little of the Korean language. The father, realizing the problem, sent him to Seoul to stay with relatives, where he went to a kindergarten that taught the basics of the language; there was some improvement, the Sister said. In this case, because the father was concerned, something was done but many fathers are not that concerned.

Another boy in 2nd year grammar school rarely did his homework. The  assignment required that the child work with the mother. Since the mother's knowledge of Korean did not permit their working together, the child went to school without the homework. Since he had a foreign mother the teacher, in his first year, excused him but in the second year the teacher wasn't that indulgent. This made going  to school difficult for the child because of the embarrassment of not keeping up with the other students, and he lost his desire for learning.

These children from intercultural families have little difficulty communicating with the spoken word. The problem comes with the written word. When they have to write a book report, it's difficult for them to arrange their thoughts and find the right words. This difficulty comes from the mother's unfamiliarity with the culture, and it affects the child in his emotional formation and attitude. The difficulty becomes more evident with the passage of time.

Much has been done to help the international families, but there is much that remains to be done. The Sister believes there has to be standards set for improving these programs for children, and the teachers have to be better educated concerning what is required. The mothers should also be helped to understand the educational system, which will then help them in  educating  their children.

The difficulties that are now being seen because of the recent increase of international marriages present a serious problem for Korea. If the children of these marriages lose their desire for learning they will drop out of school and be a problem for society in the future.