Changing the Rules for Fighting Between Husband and Wife

Fighting between husband and wife is a common ordeal that all couples have to contend with. Writing in Bible and Life  magazine, a father of eight children tells us what he has learned about fighting in a friendly way.

Most of the time when the fight is over, you have forgotten what you were fighting about. It is usually a trifle but at the time it seemed momentous. For example, his style of dealing with the children, he says, is to let them figure out what to do while the wife finds this  difficult, and was nervous about  having  the children looked after by others. He thought it would be a good idea to leave the children with the grandparents in the country for a month; his wife was adamantly against it. The grandparents, because of the work the couple were faced with, agreed with him, and wanted to have the children stay with them, but she continued to oppose it.

The writer had difficulty accepting his wife's feelings on the matter and, being angry, he became aware of the many critical things he wanted to say to her. When she entered the room, she asked him: "Your angry, aren't you?" He wanted to answer that he was, but instead, surprising himself,  answered:                                                      

"Dear, our parents are getting older and many things have changed. These strong positions we hold now were absent in the past. We will have to change the way we treat our parents." She replied, "What shall we do?" indicating she was open to discussing it.  He was surprised that he was able to answer his wife without anger, even though there had been a strong desire to do so.

The writer feels that he was being helped in keeping calm by remembering the lines from Rom. 8:26, "The Spirit too helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we ought; but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in speech."

Before a possible fight, he says he doesn't have time for anything more than the words: "Holy Spirit help!"  Three little words but they helped  change shouting matches and  passionate confrontations into quiet discussions: listening to what his wife was saying, and saying what he had to say in a few words. The new way left him feeling purified, he said, like taking a shower.

He concluded that when they  fought, they were not seeing each others true self but the darkness within. He was mistaking that darkness for his wife.

He recently read that in Korea 9,000 couples marry daily and 3,000 divorce. If only they would take time to say a prayer before the inevitable fight, he believes there would be far fewer divorces. Bringing  Jesus into every discussion before there is a possibility of fighting was the wisdom he has gained from married life.                                                                               
            

Challenges to the Catholic Church in the World of Cyberspace

Writing in the Incheon  bulletin the priest responsible for public relations in a neighboring diocese discusses the world of the Internet. Anybody riding the subway can see the  changes that have come to society--everyone seems to have a phone, some smarter than others. As convenient as this is, not all is positive; though nobody can deny the change it is bringing to society.

First we had the printed media, then the electric-wave media, and now Internet  telecommunications. In this whirlpool of readily available information the Church's mission, as always, is to spread the gospel message.

The church experienced  acutely the importance of the media when Guttenberg's printing press came on the scene. Before the printing press, knowing the written word of scripture was a rare thing; all this changed and the world of the spiritual was never the same.

The printing press enabled Protestantism to spread quickly, as pamphlets and books spread the new ideas; and for the first time, many Christians could read the Bible for themselves.  The Catholic Church also used the medium to defend itself against the 'heretical ideas' of the Protestants. However, the Church was slow in using the new world of print in the way the culture of that time required. It did not fully appreciate the value of the new medium, and, as a result, the Church was severly wounded.

The advances in this area are not only technological but personal, by changing the way we perceive the world; our consciousness of what is real, therefore, tends to be different from that of the  past.  This has to be recognized, the priest says, in presenting  the word of God to a media-savvy world . The Church has to get involved in this new world  and adapt to the world of cyberspace. Precisely because the mission of the Church is to make known the word of God.

Sogang a 21st Century University

Sogang University is the only Jesuit School among the  Catholic colleges in  Korea.  Started in 1960 it has  developed into a first class university, and is looking forward to improving its image in the years ahead.

The Chosun Ilbo had a special spread on the university in a recent issue. The article mentioned that some  critics say the reason it has gained so much respect and is  considered one of the best schools in Korea, is  the tradition of being for the students. There is a good reason to suspect this. The  students reply that you miss five classes, and you flunk the course and during a semester you are assigned seats in the lecture hall. Can we say that this puts the  students at the center? A sure sign that the emphasis is always on how to improve  student performance and not only give the students what they want.

The president of the university, an alumnus with a doctorate in history, recalled that in the early years of the university only half of the students would graduate. The school has the reputation of being like a high school: they do not manipulate grades and the business community respects that, and has come to expect that the students from Sogang will be well-educated. In fact, in the ranking of private colleges in Korea, Sogang is number one in many areas of study.

The DNA of Sogang, the president says, is freedom. Students are free to attend any class, and the school will at times offer courses even when less than ten students have registered for them. They are also free to take two or three majors.

The president goes on to say that the students that come to Sogang are outstanding but at graduation, about to go out into society, they are more so. His vision for the future is to stress the importance of educating the whole person, increase the competence of the teaching staff, work together with the business community, internationlize the relationship with those who are in research, and to find ways the administration can be even more helpful to those they serve.

The interviewer asked the president what would he have to say to those making a choice of a college in the year 2012. "Sogang is not the first or second when it comes to bigness, judging by the campus or the number of teachers or students. The strength of Sogang is in scholastic matters. We are  routinely strict in the running of the school. You are free to take any class and more than one major, giving you a chance to develop your interest in many areas. For those who want  a school that will develop their unlimited potential, then Sogang is their school.  Sogang," he says with confidence, "is truly a great  college."

Dating the Persecution of Korean Catholics

A novelist writing for the Bible and Life magazine comments on a problem that he feels has bothered many Koreans for a long time. For Catholics the problem appears in the way we name the persecutions the Church suffered when she entered Korea. We still follow the Chinese sexagenary cycle in dating the persecutions.

This  cycle, which is made up of 10 heavenly stems and 12 earthly branches, makes 60 combinations. The present cycle began in 1984 and will end in 2044. This year is the year of the rabbit, but it's a special kind of rabbit year, the Sin myo. The first year starts with the first heavenly stem added to  the first earthly branch. Since there are only 10 stems for 12 branches, the cycle begins again (after adding the tenth stem to the twelve branch) by adding the first stem to the 11th  branch, and the 2nd stem to the 12th branch; it continues in this fashion until 60 combinations have been reached. The names for the earthly branches are: rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey,chicken, dog and pig. For the heavenly stems: gap, eul (wood), byeong, jeong (fire), mu, gi (earth), gyeong, sin (metal), im, gye (water).
   
There are four persecutions mentioned in Church history; the first one, in 1801, is called the  Shin-Yu; the second in 1839, the Gi-Hae; the third in 1846, the Byeong-O; the fourth in 1866, the Byeong-In. The writer would simplify this by dating the first persecution to the time when the first Chinese priest was martyred with many lay people; dating the persecution of 1839 with the martyrdom of the French foreign missionaries, along with many lay persons; dating the Byeong persecution with the martyrdom of St. Andrew Kim, along with many lay persons; and dating the last persecution, the Byeong-In in 1866, with more French foreign Missionaries dying, along with many lay persons. In all, about 10,000 died during this period; besides the many lay martyrs, there were 14 priests: one Chinese, twelve French and one Korean. 

The use of the Chinese sexagenery cycle  to date events in history is coming to an end but we still use the dates according to the old dating system because of its long tradition.  

Remnants of this system are found in the divisions of the day, in directions of the compass and, most of all, in fortune telling. There are lucky and unlucky days, days to  marry and days to avoid when planning any important event. The system is used in other ways we would also consider superstitious. Although this dating system has a long history and is used in many countries of the East, the writer believes that nothing is gained, especially by Christians, by continuing to use the sexagenary cycle for dating purposes. When applied to events in the history of the Church in Korea, like the four persecutions, there can be, he points out, confusion for Christians who try to match their understanding of the stems and branches to what occurred during the persecutions.

Underground Churches A Future Possibility

The price of land in Korea is expensive but when the land is in Seoul City, dreaming of finding land on which to built a new parish seems an impossible dream--not like in the past. When a new parish is proposed, especially in areas where land values are high, the community is put to the test. The Peace Weekly reports what a parish community decided to do with a very small piece of land in Seoul City.

The new parish will have half the  space of the ordinary parish-- 240 pyong.  The community decided to build two floors below ground and 6 above. The church will be below ground, which makes it unusual; it was accepted by the community but not without difficulty: concerns about dampness and lack of natural lighting were the main complaints.

The sunken-engineering method was selected to complement the short-comings of having a church underground. This method allowed the underground space to be connected with the above-ground structure in a way that natural lighting and ventilation were harmoniously combined  so that the Church has the cozy, warm feeling of a typical church.  During the day there is no need for lights, no feeling that you are below ground, and no need for a heating system during the winter.

In most churches the catechetical rooms are in the basement; in this church they are on the  3rd and 4th floors.  Since most congregations have more women than men, this was taken into account when space was allotted for toilets--over 10 for the women so there will be no waiting before or after Mass. There is also a place to rest and to take care of  cosmetic needs, open not only to Christians but to anybody who cares to use the facilities. It's equipped with a system that uses rainwater so no one has to worry about the water bill. On the 4th floor is a place set aside for the elderly, which can also be used for prayer or conversation.  And a kitchen is open for all to use, Catholics and non-Catholics.

The pastor advises other priests, " When you're going to build a new church it helps to get rid of  fixed ideas of what a church should be--and be open to seeing other possibilities.  Even with a small piece of land it's always possible to think big and accomplish much."

What Does it Mean to be Salt of the Earth?

Last Sunday  at all the Masses in the Catholic World we talked about salt and light. We know how important salt is in our diet and also the harm that too much salt does to our health. An Incheon priest, in his sermon that appeared in the bulletin for Sunday, praises the many uses of salt and explains what Jesus meant  by telling us to be the salt of the earth.

Salt has been getting a  bad press in recent years. High blood pressure and hardening of the arteries are blamed on salt.  A salty diet is not considered a good diet. The priest says this is not all that should be said about salt. The problem develops, he says, because of the kind of salt we habitually use. Instead of using  refined salt, if we used sun-dried (unrefined) salt, the results would be different.

The big difference between refined and unrefined salt lies in the number of nutrients. Unrefined salt has only about 80 percent sodium and  many other different minerals while the processed salt has the many of the minerals removed, leaving 95 to 99 percent sodium. The refined salt has the impurities removed but also, in the process, removes many nutrients. The salt is more  expensive, the priest says, because of the time and effort involved in the harvesting.  

Two educational institutions have researched the problem and confirm that fermentation is quicker in  kimchi made with sun-dried salt  instead of refined salt, and there is more lactobacilli and nutrients in sun-dried salt, and the kinchi is crisper. There are also more anti-cancer fighting properties in the unrefined salt over the refined.

When it comes to health and discovering what is good and bad, it is never easy to get a precise answer, one way or another. Here in Korea the harvesting of sun-dried salt is big business and, according to the internet, continues to do well. 

Over the years what is called bamboo salt has often been received as a gift.  It is sun-dried salt that has been cooked in bamboo nine times and with great heat to enhance its health-giving properties.  Although considered a health food by many, bamboo salt, and its supposed remedial effects, is also ridiculed by many. 

Whatever the health properties of salt may be, Jesus did tell us  to be the salt of the earth, to be like salt--pure, giving taste and appeal to life, and  preventing  corruption--all of which makes for a  healthy society.

A Family Religious Retreat

Korean family members meet to celebrate the important holidays; they meet to mourn at funerals and rejoice at weddings; but it is rare to hear about a family that meets together for spiritual renewal. The Catholic Times describes such a family that has been going on retreats since 2008.

There are problems for families getting together for any event but this family has been meeting for a retreat since the death of their father in 2007. They decided  that coming together to remember the anniversary of his death with a retreat would make the gathering more meaningful to all.

A retreat--the Korean word has the same meaning as the English word--means we leave behind our ordinary daily activities for a period of quiet time  to commune with God.  This can be done in several ways: a retreat guided by a retreat master, who is available each day for conferences and private counseling; directed retreats, each person meeting with a spiritual director, who suggests scripture passages for prayer and reflection; and private retreats, each person making his or her own schedule.

During the retreats of the family cited in the Catholic Times--a family of seven children (a daughter lives in the U.S.),  members  are spread over three generations, for a total of 30. They have  washed  each  other's feet, embraced each other, sung and   danced together, taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test (a measure of how people see the world and make decisions), and even prepared programs for others that might be interested in a family retreat.

One of the sons has said, " When a family gets together for a retreat, it is more than an ordinary community: a common goal and self-confidence appear, along with a sense of mission, but we also have to work at being more of  an example." They hope in the future to increase the number of programs they have during the retreat.


Whether we will see more of these types of retreats, time will tell. They go against the popular idea of a retreat, and few families would have the close family ties to even bring up the idea. There are many retreat houses, and parish retreats are common; retreats are a part of the life of many Catholics. It would be nice to see the idea of family retreats spread in our society that has seen the breakdown of the extended family. It would  help to forge stronger ties among family members--and bring back nostalgic reminiscences  of what the family was like in their history and literature.