One of the diocesan bulletins has an article by a priest responsible for the pastoral work with families in the diocese. He lists five ways in which couples fail to understand each other. Give and take between husband and wife is distorted by serious misunderstandings.
"Francis has a cold and fever and is in bed. He asks his wife to come home early from work to be with him. The wife answers that she has some important work to do and will not be able to leave work early. Francis believes that Clara doesn't love him, for she thinks nothing of his request. Francis thinks this will always be the case. Clara's deficiencies all come to his attention. He has lived with her for 20 years, and she doesn't understand his feelings. He will not be able to trust her, and is overcome with anger."
He calls the first way of misunderstanding the catastrophic response: a great obstacle to communication. This happens when a simple word or action brings an extreme response. A spouse comes to an unjustified conclusion-feels attacked, hurt and angry.
A second misunderstanding is the black and white or all or nothing response. If it is not now it will never be. The words always and absolutely are often used. We have an inability to nuance what was said or see extenuating circumstances: not able to see the gray.
Tunnel vision is seeing only one side of the issue, and usually the negative. One is prevented from seeing the larger picture, and the other's good points.
Often one comes to a conclusion not warranted by the facts. One jumps to a conclusion with flimsy facts.
The fifth misunderstanding is to think the other person is a mind reader and not bother to spend time discussing the issue. Not understanding we are a failure at mind reading, we give all the blame to the other. "Living with the person for 20 years is it necessary to bring it up. I know what the answer will be." This kind of thinking is only going to make the problems more serious.
These misunderstandings are made with husband and wife in mind but often the same problems occur in our failure to understand the other. We think it is the other person's fault and fail to make the connections that would allow us to see our own responsibility for the lack of communication.
View from the Ark of the Catholic Times, a priest columnist, tells
us about a theological research center run only by lay persons. All
theological subjects are treated but the lay person's place in the
Church is naturally a subject of study. One of the few in the
Catholic world.
Many of the movements in which lay
people are involved, and we have many in Korea: Legion of Mary, Marriage
Encounter, Cursillo etc. are made up of married members. Their spirituality, they falsely believe, as a married
person, does not reach that of the clergy and religious, which leaves the
laity with a feeling of inferiority.
Columnist mentions a priest writer who says in the West the numbers
going to Church have decreased greatly, but those interested in
spirituality have increased. People want a spiritual life but not a
church, they are happy with questions and don't want answers, they
want truth but not obedience. They are dreaming of the restoration of a
new world of values.
He sees Korean
Catholics in a completely opposite way. They want the Church but not
spirituality; answers not questions, liturgy not piety,
obedience not truth, and he says this with sadness. They are not
concerned with what is going on in the world but, to an extreme, only in
what is happening in the family. There is not an appreciation of
mission and social responsibility.
Clergy, religious
and lay people need a mature spirituality to live a holy life. Not only
to experience God but to enable us to go out
to our brothers and sisters and to the world in which we live.
The theological research
center in the diocese is not just educating but equipping their
graduates to go out and work in society with the social gospel that they
have learned and working with different groups. We see this in many
other dioceses of the country. This is an answer to what the society to
which we belong needs, and the Church needs to be prepared to offer it.
Even
though there are many things we don't like about the direction the
government is taking, we don't just complain without any Gospel reasons,
and do something foolish. Instead we use what is happening to internalize the message, and come to an unified
way of thinking about what we are called to do.
"I made our God into my God" are the first words of an article in a diocesan bulletin by a TV writer.
When
she was young she was a Sunday school teacher in her parish community.
A work she found extremely enjoyable and would not consider it anyway as a task. Her attachment was like a person with a new car. Attachment
gave birth to selfishness and from there she said she became arrogant
and wanted to do everything her way. When we get our way, she says,
results are not always good. Leaving her teaching also came with a lot
of pain. Looking back, numberless times, and reflecting on what
happened, she knows that it was her selfishness that brought about the
unwanted results.
Whether it was fortunate or not
she moved her parish register to another parish. She began anew with
another community and got involved as a volunteer with a scripture study
group. But here also she had problems. Here again under the mask of
devotion, her selfishness was quite different from those with whom she
met. She was intent in overcoming her fault but it disappeared only to
appear in another guise, and to destroy everything she was trying to
achieve. Unkind words were spread, and not
intended, feelings of hate were past on to others and received, and she
again removed herself from the community.
The
real problem,however, came following on this: "I am a person that causes
disorder in community!" With this thought in mind she felt it best
not to be part of the community which would be doing what God would
want. So from then on she quietly prayed, studied and went to Mass,
and in doing so she felt closer to God than she did when she was part of
the community.
However, with the help of grace she
made the Cursillo and again experienced community. She realized at that
time how foolish were her thoughts that she had living the solitary life of faith. Fear you might sin, and consequently doing
nothing is not what we are called to do. Far better is to be sorry for
you faults, and continue to work to grow and mature.
God does not want us to make him 'my God'
but wants us to make him 'our God'. Jesus has told us: "Where two
or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst" (Matt.
18:20).
A columnist in the Peace Weekly writes about hope in the Lord. He
mentions how he had cold hands and feet even before the beginning of
winter last year, and went to the hospital where he was told that he had
poor circulation. They gave him some medicine but it was no help.
Spring was coming and all would return to normal. Hope gave him
strength and in fact he felt that his feet and hands were not as cold.
Hope, he marveled, was curative in itself.
Hope is not
always certain like spring following winter. Many of our
dreams we change from the unrealistic to a dream which gives us hope. When we hope for something to happen that may seem impossible, the impossible often happens.
Yang Gyecho (1873-1929) a Chinese
thinker spoke of hope as strength. Those who hope always expect a
better future, and go in search of this future.
Last
year when Pope Francis visited Korea the columnist remembers his
words: "Hope is God's greatest gift to us." There are those that use
the gift, but many who don't, which is a great sadness.
Life after death is our last hope. Many are those who do not
have this hope but Catholics do, it is our greatest hope. One of
our well known sister poets was on a talk show with a Protestant
minister, which the columnist had seen on the internet.
Sister is quoted as saying that life is not a goal but a place of pilgrimage. Many of our saints have written on the subject, telling us earth is our temporary abode. Our home is to be with God.
There will be a big difference in those who make this world their end, and those who see this world as a place of pilgrimage. Christians see their stay in this world different from those with only this world in mind.
Christians believe that God is with them during their life, and drawing
us to himself, and hope to be with him for all
eternity. Christians' hope in this reality should be like the certainty that spring will follow winter.
Even those who have
no belief and see it all as childishness, have to admit this hope, as
strong as the hope of spring following winter, will give great joy to life. The great tragedy is we don't see much of a difference in the joy that Christians have and those who don't believe.
"In the past he was very docile." "When I am ready to talk, she
refuses to listen." "I am afraid of my child, he no longer acts like my
child." These are some of the comments that a teacher working in the education of teachers receives. She
writes about it in the Kyeongyang magazine.
Children with emotional instability are not
only difficult to discipline, but also to rear. Children who have
control over their emotions find it a help in their school work, and
in relating with others. Many parents do not realize this often
depends on the educational methods used by parents.
Parents
give the education of their children over to others, and make known
they are sacrificing to earn the money for this to happen. Parents
educate by giving the children what they need, giving spending money,
taking them to the academies and schools, preparing them for marriage,
buying their house and taking care of the grandchildren. Nothing is
demanded of the children who stand aside with hands folded. Dialogue is
not included but orders instructions, and scolding.
What
are your ways of dealing with the children? Learning to respect the
children's emotions is important; need to familiarize yourself with
the disposition of the child. 40 percent of the children are passive:
they obey readily and don't complain but often they have internal
problems such as stress, and depression because of the pressure and
control of the parents. 10 percent of the children are
anti-structural, and are a problem for the parents, but here also a
need to understand them,and work in their development. 15 percent of the
children are slow. Watching and waiting, they are slow to do anything
at first, but once they start they stick to it.
In
Korea two hospitals that do well are those dealing with cosmetic
surgery and children with mental problems. Children that are not able
to say what they want, and those whose emotions are not respected will
have mental problems; to prevent this from happening the need to get
close to the children and allow them to express their feelings. Parents
need to understand the children's emotions, sympathize with the children, help them
to express their emotions and resolve them.
She concludes the article by noting that
children do not need the parents to do everything for them or to give
their educational responsibility to others, but to do things together.
More time at the table and by the bed to learn the children's way of
seeing the world. This prevents revenge towards the parents by
the children. Parents should be travelers with the children, help
them find their motives for action, and be a trusted follow traveler.
View from the Window of the Catholic Times, a priest columnist tells
us about a theological research center run by lay persons. All
theological subjects are treated but the lay person's place in the
Church is naturally a subject of study. One of the few in the Catholic world.
Many of the movements in which the lay
people are involved, and we have many in Korea: Legion of Mary, Marriage
Encounter, Cursillo etc. leave the laity with a feeling of inferiority in their spiritual life as a married person. They believe their spirituality does not reach that of the clergy and religious, which thinking has to be changed.
Priest
columnist mentions a priest writer who says in the West the numbers
going to Church have decreased greatly but those interested in
spirituality have increased. People want a spiritual life but not a
church, they are happy with questions and don't want answers, they
want truth but not obedience. They are dreaming of a
new world of values.
The columnist sees Korean
Catholics in a completely opposite way. They want the Church but not
spirituality (faith life); answers not questions, liturgy not piety,
obedience not truth, and he says this with sadness. They are not
concerned with what is going on in the world but, to an extreme, only in
what is happening in the family. There is not an appreciation of
mission and social responsibility.
Clergy, religious
and lay people to live a holy life need a mature spirituality. Not only
to experience God but enable us to go out
to our brothers and sisters and the world in which we live. We need
balance in our spirituality.
The theological research
center in the diocese is not just educating but equipping their
graduates to go out and work in society with the social gospel. We see this in many
other dioceses of the country. This is a need in the society to which we belong, and the Church needs to offer it to the members
Even
though there are many things we don't like in the direction the nation is going, we don't just complain without any Gospel reasons but use what is happening to internalize the Gospel, unify our
way of thinking, and be on fire with our mission to change the world.
Living with persons with the same values is a great joy, and we seek
their company. However, even in this situation we experience hurt
feelings often over trifles. This happens even in the family. Living with
others is not easy. So begins the first paragraph of an article by an
author writing in With Bible, who introduces himself as a person who studied for 25 years, taught for 25 and now reads and writes.
Catholics
look upon those in the religious life, and admire and often envy them.
Because of this magnanimous evaluation and expectation, laity
are hurt
by their foibles and get upset. However, very likely, religious who live in community probably are faced with more hurts with their
encounters because of their desire to live a holy life.They don't have
the freedom of lay people to avoid those with whom
they have problems.
In the community of the Church we
have conflict and anguish. It may only be a small hurt but it greatly
upsets us and criticism makes us angry. When it gets to a point where we are
all knotted up insides, it is not infrequent that many leave the church.
At these times he goes back to the disciples of Jesus and learns a
lesson from their response to conflict.
Life of
Jesus' disciples was weary.The writer sees their life as
harsh and cold. The death of Jesus left them completely shocked, and with
great mental pain. With the news of Jesus' resurrection peace and a
feeling of victory came to them, but Thomas was not impressed and told
the disciples he needed to see the holes in Jesus' hands and side. The
writer has a special interest in Thomas who threw cold water on
what the disciples believed, and told them he would have to see the
holes in Jesus' hands and side. On his part he would have been strongly opposed to Thomas and been tough on him, but the disciple had no problem with him and
even tried to protect him.
Disciples did not criticize or blame Thomas, and
the reason, he says, was the joy they had with seeing Jesus again. The
joy of the resurrection was so great that it overcame everything else.
The betrayal of Peter and the weaknesses of the disciples helped to
make for a strong community of love and understanding.
When
we fail to distinguish between criticism and blame we give and receive
scars. In the Church community we can feel these scars easily.When we
take a person's small faults and make much of them and blame, we
are pushing the person out from the community. In a community we try to
learn to accept each other to work for unity and wait. Without this
understanding we are only a make-believe community. The first community
waited for Thomas to change we also in our communities need to wait and be patient. Is this not the way we will grow in faith and wisdom.
Of course their is always the question of how much deviance is allowed in community. Ideally we would hope that the belief we have of the presence of the Holy Spirit and the teachings left us by our Lord would be sufficient to keep us together as community and to instruct us when we have crossed the line. Should not this be the hope we have living in a community?
