In the Kyeongyang magazine a member of the Committee for Families of a diocese, writes on couples fighting. He tells the readers the only way not to fight is not to get married.
Two people living together will naturally have differences of opinion, actions, and values because of the many different temperaments. Fortunately, this is the case because when the bond is irreparably broken, friction disappears, you are living by yourself.
"We have never fought" often this kind of expression comes from a couple where one is not comfortable in expressing their feelings. Outside the home, they are seen as a devoted couple but in the home treat each other coldly and may be seen as a show-window couple: often known my the mass media.
In these marriages, on the surface, all seems well but the hidden conflict is like a time bomb that is set to blow. Suddenly we have one leaving the home, divorcing and even suicide. Often this is part of the living condition and fighting is a help in finding solutions. Not the lack of fighting but the wise resolving of the problems by confronting them. " A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse one crushes the spirit" (Proverbs 15:4).
He mentions a couple going to a marriage counselor for help and asked to give an example of how they fight for 3 minutes. The counselor seeing the way they fight predicts pretty accurately whether the marriage will last or not if they continue. The article introduces us to John Gottman who is able to predict with 97% accuracy the outcome of a marriage if they continue as in the past.
He is not interested in what they are fighting about but in the way they fight. Are they aiming at the others weak points, scars from the past and humiliating the others very being? A sign that they are running towards complete collapse.
On the other hand when the emotions are under control, and they don't work on the others scars and weak points and have not lost their sense of humor, no matter how passionate they are the results will be good. Like children after fighting they can become closer than they were.
He gives us a ratio of relating positively 20 times more than negatively with your spouse. In simple language, if it is: praise--blame--praise--blame in a one and one ratio the relationship will not last. The reason is that negativity is much more powerful. [people remember longer and give more weight to negative information than positive--the negativity effect]. John Gottman advises in small things: "I am sorry, thanks, I love you" and other similar words of encouragement. One can believe this is not necessary since these feelings are present, but that is a mistake for there is a need to express one's feelings.
In most cases, it is not hating the other but misunderstandings because of the inability to communicate our thoughts and feelings. As St. Don Bosco is quoted saying: "Loving is not enough love must be felt."
The place of the layperson in the life of the Catholic community of Korea has and continues to be strong. Korea is unique in that it was not missioners who brought the Faith but they evangelized themselves. Some 18th-century scholars brought back some books from China and began spreading the knowledge of Jesus and his church.
They expended great effort in getting priests to enter the country and even when they succeeded they were indispensable in carrying on the work as catechists and teachers in the mission stations. They have been and are the strong cross beam of the community. However writing in a Catholic Times column a seminary president expresses some sadness at what a small segment of the lay-community is doing.
In comparison to other countries the Catholicism in Korea has been mainly united and harmonious not like many other countries which make the discord harder to accept.
Our columnist describes this aberration as a personal piety and a secular spirituality: separating their daily life from their religious beliefs. The light from the Gospel should be shining on our daily lives but in many cases, one's personal viewpoint of life in the world colours the way they see the Gospel.
This situation is not only a Korean problem but is seen in other cultures and nations, When the teachings of religion lose their influence in society many religious social scientists call this secularization. When these teachings lose their distinctive character religion becomes a commodity in the market. We have the marketization of religion. Religion is just one of the many products on the market and you select the brand that appeals to you.
There is a big divide between this reality and what Jesus came to give us. Jesus came to overcome the divisions and discords in society and unite us. Not only fellow citizens but includes even our enemies, the poor, hungry, thirsty, sick, naked, and prisoners; he identified them with himself (Matt.25). If we want to be his followers we have to keep this in mind.
Lay people are the ones who have been called to go into the world. They are given the task to keep this mission in their varied callings. Even willing to accept a loss to themselves in being spokespersons for the poor and weak of society. They are to be heralds of God's love. They are the salt of the earth and the carriers of the Gospel.
In theology we allow for criticism; our faith life is choosing correctly and living accordingly. We need to ask ourselves who is Jesus repeatedly. He was murdered and we have to ask ourselves the reason. A priest writing for a bulletin for priests begins his article with these thoughts.
When he was a parish priest many years ago he was asked by a woman named Martha, in her forties, if he would baptize her granddaughter, and then hesitatingly said she gets a headache every time she hears his sermons and can't concentrate on what he says. The priest asked her what does she think when she sees the cross on the back wall. Why did Jesus die on the cross?
Many of the Catholics give him fruits, meat and liquor and he is very happy to receive them but he did not become a priest to sit in his easy chair and enjoy presents, but to be his disciple. It would be wonderful to stay in the rectory and not be concerned with what is going on in the world but that is not the reason he is a priest.
He asked Martha if she ever read any of the books of the Bible or any of the documents from the Second Vatican Council. "Father, I am in my forties when am I going to have time to read those books?" "Pope John XXIII when he called the Second Vatican Council to bring change to the Church was in his eighties." Martha with a sad expression on her face left.
Some years later the priest mentions that he was pastor of a parish in which Martha's niece was assigned as a religious sister. Both Martha and her husband had since died. The niece told him that
Martha came from a wealthy family and her husband was a president of a bank which made her world very small and difficult to see beyond the walls she had built.
Martha was a good and devout Catholic he told the niece. However, in the Church today we have many Catholics who are disparaging priests for what they teach. Korean Catholicism has been basically a very unified and harmonious community of faith but the priest laments that we have laypeople who are breaking this harmony and sadder still is that we have a few clerics who are joining them. He finishes the article with the words from Matthew 10:36. "A person's enemies will include members of his own family."
Writing in the View from the Ark of the Catholic Times, the columnist, a university professor, wants us to examine why Google the technology company would put humility and sincerity high on their list of qualifications for employment.
This has always been considered important in the history of thought but why would a modern-day very successful advanced company put it as a qualification for employment over so many other important qualities? He laments that in the past in Korea, humility and sincerity were important qualities to inculcate in our students but in recent years has disappeared.
For Google, this talk is not about virtue for virtue's sake but a necessary quality for their employees to succeed. In interviews, they take for granted the qualifications they need for the job, but if a humble attitude is not perceived they will not be employed is what the columnist understands from what he has heard.
Humility in this perspective comes with knowledge and the faculty of being able to work with those who are less able than oneself, and to have the ability and capacity to learn from them. Without this capacity, they will not be able to communicate and work with others from the different parts of the world.
This is not brought up because Google is a giant in the competitive market but to show how important they consider the ability to work together with others and the need for us in our education programs and formation in the family and school to bring it back as important.
Are we cultivating humble talent for the future? We are not. The quality of our education is not bad we are doing what is considered correct and what needs to be done but forgetting the qualities of humility and sincerity.
This was always considered in the Church's teaching and we have been exposed to it over and over again, in the example of Christ. Difficult, however, to internalize the message. We tend to forget the place right under the light is darkest.
Trite as this sounds to our ears we have to reconsider our understanding of the matter. Since we have an international company such as Google who are looking for these qualities should we not evaluate our search for specifications for employment that we have stressed? We have ignored humility and sincerity.
These qualities are not merely a grace of character but enable one to learn and grow with another. We have forgotten this truth, he concludes and allowed competition be the vantage point from which we judge. Let us change the competitive viewpoint to one in excelling in humility and sincerity.
Throw a stone unwittingly and you may kill a frog. A proverb that reminds us that words, like stones, uttered carelessly can cause harm. A columnist in the Catholic Times gives us some thoughts on Korean unification.
In Korean, he mentions the often repeated words in meetings with others: "Let us have a meal together some day." Refugees from North Korea in the South take these words literally. They are not merely polite words of greeting but really mean what they say. Consequently, they ask themselves: "When will they notify me? Why haven't they mentioned it yet? Are they making fun of me?" In their imaginations, these kinds of thoughts keep returning. For a South Korean, it is merely a habit from courtesy, while for a North Korean a reason for anger and shame.
Another Korean proverb: With the right words we can pay back a debt of a thousand 'nyang'. With the right words, we are able to solve many problems and even the ones that seem impossible.
When drinking with friends we often propose a toast but the words we use in Korean, he mentions, are considered coming from a decadent society and makes the North Korean refugees feel uncomfortable. On one occasion sitting with a refugee from the North hearing the words it brought tears to his eyes. When asked why the tears: he answered he realizes he is a free person. The negativity of the words of the toast that the refugee was familiar with and the brainwashing that accompanied it, all disappeared like magic, because of the situation and the friend that was beside him.
Different is not another word for wrong. When the cultures are different one-way efforts are not going to bring results. Both parties with sincerity need to approach each other in their daily lives with actions that understand the differences, and the misunderstandings and work to change.
Unification is not a topic we find easy to talk about and it becomes something we push off to the future but we have 30 thousand refugees from North Korea who are not to be pushed off to the future; the discord and divisions of our brothers and sisters and family should be acknowledged.
Because we use the same language does not mean we are the same. We need to accept that they have a different culture and when we speak, to be careful of their sensibilities. He concludes with a need for prayer for the refugees and small efforts in bringing about a feeling of oneness among us which will be a work for the eventual unification of the country.
Is there anything that makes less sense than finding something positive in weakness? In the WithBible magazine an article by a priest examines the issue and gives the readers some thoughts to reflect on and make their own.
In the New Testament. the word weakness (astheneia) as a verb and adjective appears 83 times and 44 are in the letters of St. Paul. Usually, the word is used to signify some bodily ailment but in Paul's writing it has a special theological meaning that becomes a theme in his writing. This understanding of the word weakness is seen clearly in First Corinthians chapters one and two and Second Corinthians ten to thirteen; the reason St. Paul is called the apostle of weakness.
The Cross either makes this clear for some or hides it from others. Words, he says, are of little use: “Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know” (Lao-tzu). And yet no matter how difficult and crazy it sounds the need is there to speak. We are strong when weak for God's power is active in us.
In our worldly common sense: knowledge is power. He gives us the example of the Oriental and Asian Studies Research Center where this was on the wall at the entrance of their building in London, England. Back in 1916, England felt they were not keeping abreast on the knowledge of the Orient (Asia) which they needed to administer their colonies and began the study of Asia-- (Orientalism). Knowledge was power and a help in managing their colonies.The Irony is that even at present, those from Asia often go to Europe to learn more about Asia.
The reality is that knowledge of another enables one to control the other and to efficiently get results. Information is needed on those we want to control. We call these places Intelligence Agencies. In our daily use of words: 'wisdom', knowledge, information all go to make for power: control, management, and rule. In a word, it is to increase the power of the those possessing it, and they become the center from which all goes out.
There is, however, another wisdom and power which we call God's foolishness and powerlessness. This is concern for the other, going out to the other, being for the other. It is not to gain power for it is seen as an obstacle: not to become strong but weak, to be vulnerable. In the eyes of the world this is crazy talk and stupidity.
Paul found the cross: the foolishness of God was wiser and God's weakness stronger than our own wisdom and power. He concludes the article with two questions: When there is love between two persons, there is going to be one loving more than the other, who is the weaker? We say that God is love, in God's love for us who is the weaker?
A seminary professor, during the rainy season, found some snails on campus. Happy he was to see them and marveled for they carry around their shells on their backs. Gives one much to think about, he writes: slow, small, and weak but always carrying around their house and place of refuge.
What would happen he wonders if the whirlpool like shell kept growing, it would no longer be a home and refuge but a burden and would restrict movement. The snail would have to learn to overcome the problems that came with the oversized shell.
In the Catholic Times, the professor compares the wisdom of the snail to the not so wise situation of society which keeps increasing our shell. Growth, development, prosperity, progress and the like are the mottoes under which we labor and as with the snail, the bigger the shell becomes the less comfort and more of a burden. Economic development and a flourishing market are not always benefiting the majority of the citizens. Not infrequently the burden of the so-called prosperity rests with poor citizens.
The situation with energy is similar to that of the economy. In comparison to other countries, our use and production of electricity are not small. We continue to supply the needs of the country and even if we grant that we need more there is no need to build nuclear power plants but we have other alternate ways of producing what is necessary. Nuclear power plants will be more for the use in the metropolitan areas of the country and the burden again falls on the small people. Do we need to be burdened with the dangers and concerns that come with nuclear power?
Similarly, we are dealing with THAAD: Terminal High Altitude Area Defense- anti-ballistic missile system. [At present there is much talk pro and con on the placement of this system in Korea] The government feels that this is a deterrent for the nuclear missiles of the North. We have lived without it, and doubtful we will have peace with it. At the present, we have enough firepower to reduce the whole country to ashes.
There is no guarantee that the money spent will bring peace and security. The money spent is taken away from the poor of the country. We are making the life of the poor poorer. We have to start looking at the shell that we are making and ask is it helping us or becoming more of a burden? Is it making us freer or confining us? Is it an obstacle? To solve these problems we have to become more involved and a better democracy.
