He was ordained to the priesthood in 2001 and worked very zealously in his many duties. He was in charge of vocations for his religious order, conducted programs in spirituality, went to graduate school for psychology and religious studies, had an important role in the association of religious superiors. Praised often for his sacrificing work for the association, he worked harder in trying to improve and became a workaholic.
Work became the center of life. Often in conflict with those with whom he worked, his peers, and elders. His head was always filled with work even at prayer. One day it all came crashing down and he could do nothing. He was 'burnout". Everything lost its meaning even his religious life.
Finally, he asked to see the abbot. Thoughts about leaving the religious life were uppermost in his mind. The abbot praised him for his work but nothing the abbot said was heard. In the conversation, the abbot mentioned that religious don't have sabbaticals but he recommended that the writer take a rest and some studies for 3 or 4 years. He had no desire to study but accepted the recommendation.
In 2010 he went to Canada to study modern-day spirituality and prepared to do this by continuing his studies in psychology. In God's providence, he was led to Thomas Merton. In the study of Thomas Merton's spirituality, he learned about the darkness and light that Merton experienced. He compared the ups and downs in his own life with Merton's darkness and the things that annoyed him over the years and began to see them all in a different light. God was there during all the dark times but his eyes were closed. The realization came and his life changed.
What was this spiritual journey in growth and transformation that Merton traveled that opened his eyes to a new life?
Thomas Merton, an atheist, lived a fast life, converted to Catholicism, and on Dec 12, 1941, he entered the Gethsemane Trappist, after two weeks he wrote addressing God: "I will be satisfied with darkness alone." Most people dislike and fear darkness what was Merton's understanding of darkness?
These words express Merton's process in search and discovery of God. When we know that we will never know God fully then we have the hope for the encounter with the God we can meet and the grace, humility for the search.
"Your brightness is my darkness. I know nothing of You, and, by myself, I cannot even imagine how to go about knowing You. If I imagine you, I am mistaken. If I understand you, I am deluded. If I am conscious and certain I know you, I am crazy. Darkness is enough." (Merton's Journal)
In 1950 he encountered another darkness in his life. He had dreamed of the life of prayer in the religious life but his superiors wanted him to write and left Merton with great dissatisfaction. He thought that the evil spirit of writing, which he wanted in the world, had even entered the holy monastery and devoured him.
Rather than writing, he wanted to give his time to the mystery of God and the contemplative life. The conflict between contemplation and action he began to see suddenly: "It doesn't matter whether you become a contemplative or writer. What is more important is to live for God."
In 1958 March 3rd, on a street on which he was walking seeing the people walking by he received a new light which changed him. He was meeting Jesus in this situation. Religious vocation his priesthood was not everything, he was just like all these ordinary people that made a deep impression on him.
This realization transformed him into a person dedicated to the world and a person helping to change people's consciousness.
However, in 1960 he was having difficulties with his superior and fell in love with a woman which was another period of darkness. This darkness reminded him of the transcendence of human love, the cry of the one who was captured by God's love again goes beyond the human situation.
In 1968 he came to Asia for a meeting of leaders of different religions and expressed his new understanding: "All is emptying all is mercy."
The same darkness that Thomas Merton experienced, we all in some way encounter in life. In conclusion, the writer emphasizes that darkness is just the start of a new light that will enter. He is happy with the darkness and gives thanks and waits for the new way God will enter his life.
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