It is said that respect and consideration are necessary in dating, but the interpretation of respect and consideration can be arbitrary. Dating violence and breakup violence, in which third parties are reluctant to intervene in the name of ‘love fights’, have become social issues, and the brutality of the crimes arouses fear. However, compared to the shocks reported on the social pages of newspapers, prevention and countermeasures at the institutional level are insufficient.
Some people criticize the victims for their lack of insight into people or their indecisiveness in not breaking off relationships despite being assaulted. This perspective interprets violence damage as the individual's fault and exposes the limitations of failing to recognize problems at gender power, structural, and sociocultural levels.
According to “The Lives of Men and Women through 2023 Statistics,” there are 17,137 cases of dating violence counseling and 5,454 cases of stalking counseling received at counseling centers under the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family in 2021. The number of male perpetrators of dating violence is 10,975 in 2021, and the number of male perpetrators arrested for stalking is 462. It shows that the majority of victims of dating violence and stalking are women.
Gender violence is related to a culture that does not treat women as human beings in an imbalanced structure of gender power. It interprets them as objects of men's possession or conquest.
Perpetrators of dating violence do not recognize the violence and say: ‘I did it because of love’. This justifies violence and hurts the victims. These actions are not love. This is because love does not cause pain or force others to make sacrifices.
Victims of breakup violence often experience harm during the dating process, not after the breakup. However, they are afraid that their families will suffer, so they are unable to break up or worry about safe ways to break up.
Breakup violence goes hand in hand with stalking and harassing the other person, such as threatening to commit suicide if you don't meet them or waiting in front of the house. Stalking occurs not only between ex-partners but also between people who are not in a relationship. Also, even if stalking does not involve physical violence, the damage is not light. The feeling of being watched by someone causes anxiety and fear and destroys one's life. Stalking results are often due to the ‘soft’ punishment of fines. The enactment of the ‘Stalking Crime Punishment Act’ has made it possible to punish people with imprisonment, but since cases of people suffering and being murdered due to dating violence are occurring, we need to increase sensitivity to violence through education and campaigns.
Robin Stern analyzes the psychology of gaslighting perpetrators in his book That's Not Love (2018). According to Stern, gaslighting is an act of emotionally monitoring, controlling, and manipulating another person in an intimate relationship. Perpetrators make victims question their sense of reality and judgment, making them dependent on them. Gaslighting in a relationship is the act of interfering with a partner's clothing or schedule, preventing them from working, or secretly checking their email. Additionally, the victim may not be able to meet other people.
Victims are unable to suspect the perpetrator and experience low self-esteem, depression, and helplessness. To escape gaslighting, they must raise concerns about the perpetrator's actions and have hope that their lives can continue and new relationships can be formed after the breakup. Also, rather than worrying alone, one should seek help from family, acquaintances, the police, and gender violence counseling centers. The church should also provide guidance on dating ethics that can lead to humane and equal relationships and help rescue and heal victims through counseling.
Gaslighting also occurs between married couples, parents and children, teachers and students, and seniors and juniors at work. This is not a problem for a few insensitive people. You can grow when you respect the other person's independence and freedom, based on the awareness that you are vulnerable to being hurt in an intimate relationship.
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