Care giver need for independence

In View from the Ark of the Catholic Times, a university professor offers thoughts on the need for independence in caregiving.

Motherhood has been interpreted as a woman's virtue, signifying endless sacrifice and devotion to their children. The passion for private education for children is also not free from criticism, stemming from the role of mothers. Nevertheless, women are less criticized when they put more effort into their children's achievements than themselves. However, motherhood is also related to the family's success and the maintenance of social status, so it cannot be free from selfish desires.

The role of mothers was interpreted as ending when their children entered college and became adults, but mothers often raise their grandchildren even after their children get married. Balancing work and family life and the insufficient childcare system is complex, so mothers must help their working children.

Highly educated mothers supplement and guide their children's studies and collect information on private education. There are also stories of mothers helping their children attending college or graduate school with their assignments, theses, and applications to higher-level schools. The misunderstanding of motherhood that they can do anything for their children prevents mothers from separating themselves from their children and interpreting these acts as love, thus preventing them from feeling guilty.

We have long heard stories of mothers of college students with low grades coming to their professors to ask questions and stories of mothers waiting in front of companies until their children who graduated from college are interviewed for a job. We have also heard stories of "helicopter moms" who ask their mothers, "What should I do now?" after studying abroad, and stories of college professors whose mothers came to help them set up their labs after they were hired.

Understandably, mothers worry because their children are always like children to them. Even a 90-year-old mother would tell her 70-year-old child, "Be careful." In addition, when young people cannot become economically independent due to structural unemployment or economic recession, parents have no choice but to take responsibility for their children's survival.

However, how long will mothers have to plan and manage their children's lives? I often see mothers around me who do not consider this separation and want their children to live as eternal mama's boys and mama's girls. We need to think about whether this behavior is actually helpful to their children.

Children may not be exposed to danger or hurt within the safety net of overprotection and family. However, they will not be able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves while their parents are alive. In "Maternal Thought," philosopher Sara Ruddick argues that "mothers must restrain their care or interference so that their children can grow independently and as individuals." Of course, in this process, mothers must endure the pain of separation due to the attachment relationships formed through care.

On the other hand, some people in our society truly need care but do not receive help. In "I Became My Dad's Dad,"  a young man who became the guardian of his father with dementia describes the experiences of young caregivers who take care of sick parents at a young age. They drop out of school or cannot work to care for their ill parents. They face even more difficulties than caregivers of other age groups.

People who need care due to old age and disability depend on the care of their families, so their families are in a difficult situation. When overprotection and care are carried out within the exclusive fence of the family, those who really need care are alienated. In our society, the benefits and distribution of care are unbalanced.

Moving away from your children does not make you a bad mother. You just need to support your children so they can live independently and provide support when needed. It would be good for older women to entrust their children's lives to them and challenge themselves to free themselves from caregiving and focus on themselves. If they still want to care for someone, they need to go beyond their families and go to the community level to find places that really need care for marginalized neighbors. Of course, this care does not need to be limited to women.