Gaslighting in Gender Violence

In the View From the Ark of the Catholic Times a university professor looks at gender violence and the place of 'gaslighting'.

It is said that respect and consideration are necessary in dating, but the interpretation of respect and consideration can be arbitrary. Dating violence and breakup violence, in which third parties are reluctant to intervene in the name of ‘love fights’, have become social issues, and the brutality of the crimes arouses fear. However, compared to the shocks reported on the social pages of newspapers, prevention and countermeasures at the institutional level are insufficient.

Some people criticize the victims for their lack of insight into people or their indecisiveness in not breaking off relationships despite being assaulted.  This perspective interprets violence damage as the individual's fault and exposes the limitations of failing to recognize problems at gender power, structural, and sociocultural levels.

According to “The Lives of Men and Women through 2023 Statistics,” there are 17,137 cases of dating violence counseling and 5,454 cases of stalking counseling received at counseling centers under the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family in 2021. The number of male perpetrators of dating violence is 10,975 in 2021, and the number of male perpetrators arrested for stalking is 462. It shows that the majority of victims of dating violence and stalking are women. 

Gender violence is related to a culture that does not treat women as human beings in an imbalanced structure of gender power. It interprets them as objects of men's possession or conquest.

Perpetrators of dating violence do not recognize the violence and say: ‘I did it because of love’. This justifies violence and hurts the victims. These actions are not love. This is because love does not cause pain or force others to make sacrifices.

Victims of breakup violence often experience harm during the dating process, not after the breakup. However, they are afraid that their families will suffer, so they are unable to break up or worry about safe ways to break up.

Breakup violence goes hand in hand with stalking and harassing the other person, such as threatening to commit suicide if you don't meet them or waiting in front of the house. Stalking occurs not only between ex-partners but also between people who are not in a relationship. Also, even if stalking does not involve physical violence, the damage is not light. The feeling of being watched by someone causes anxiety and fear and destroys one's life. Stalking results are often due to the ‘soft’ punishment of fines. The enactment of the ‘Stalking Crime Punishment Act’ has made it possible to punish people with imprisonment, but since cases of people suffering and being murdered due to dating violence are occurring, we need to increase sensitivity to violence through education and campaigns.

Robin Stern analyzes the psychology of gaslighting perpetrators in his book That's Not Love (2018). According to Stern, gaslighting is an act of emotionally monitoring, controlling, and manipulating another person in an intimate relationship. Perpetrators make victims question their sense of reality and judgment, making them dependent on them. Gaslighting in a relationship is the act of interfering with a partner's clothing or schedule, preventing them from working, or secretly checking their email. Additionally, the victim may not be able to meet other people. 

Victims are unable to suspect the perpetrator and experience low self-esteem, depression, and helplessness. To escape gaslighting, they must raise concerns about the perpetrator's actions and have hope that their lives can continue and new relationships can be formed after the breakup. Also, rather than worrying alone, one should seek help from family, acquaintances, the police, and gender violence counseling centers. The church should also provide guidance on dating ethics that can lead to humane and equal relationships and help rescue and heal victims through counseling.

Gaslighting also occurs between married couples, parents and children, teachers and students, and seniors and juniors at work. This is not a problem for a few insensitive people. You can grow when you respect the other person's independence and freedom, based on the awareness that you are vulnerable to being hurt in an intimate relationship.

Even if Not Happy Life is Precious

In the recent Building Bridges column of the Catholic Times, a  Taizé Brother reminds us of the many who suffer from sleep disorders caused by anxiety and stress.

Over the past few years, the number of patients receiving treatment for depression has continued to increase. Looking at statistics, the number has already exceeded 1 million in 2022, and among them, the increase in women in their 20s is the most notable. Depression is the number one cause of suicide. They can't see the end of a dark tunnel of unbearable pain.

When the columnist meets someone who has suffered from depression he is cautious and listens without judging or trying to offer help. However, it is not easy for people suffering from mental illness to admit it.

People close to you may not recognize the signs of depression or may react incorrectly, making the condition worse. Many avoid treatment due to the negative perception and stigmatization of mental illness. 

In Korean society, where ability and achievement are the highest values, it is not easy to admit that one is sick and weak. It takes a lot of courage to say that you are not okay and having a hard time. It helps to have someone by your side to support you. The more isolated you are, the more difficult it is to treat. 

35% of the patients with depression are in their 60s or older, and depression in the elderly is also on the rise. Depression among the youth is higher than in other countries. How many children are unable to play freely due to the hell of entrance exams and the pressure of competition?

Depression can strike anyone, teachers, priests, and religious are no exception. It can also occur without any specific cause. Experts say it is more likely to occur in people with high self-standards and consciousness of others. 

One of our famous authors was hospitalized in a closed ward at the age of 23 due to severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He wrote his first collection of essays while in the hospital: “I’m a Little Depressed, but I’m an Ordinary Person” he calmly says there is value and reason to live even if not happy and cannot move forward. 

This battle with the disease shows a hopelessly depressed patient with no attachment or expectation of life, who is more scared of being alive than dying, and who is trapped in the thought that nothing will get better in the future. He lives ‘doing his best even though he is shaken and broken’ while harboring a pain that no one seems to understand. The psychiatrist accompanied him throughout the process, listening to his story with patience and trust. Because he was broken, he is renewed and continues to actively engage in his creative activities, speaking to himself and his suffering neighbors. 

Many people suffer from a ‘cold of the heart’ but cannot cry out. Can we change society's perception and attitude so that we can live with sick people, rather than treating them as strange and isolating and excluding them?

Video Games and their Creators

The Peace Columnist of the Catholic Peace Weekly reminisces on his hobby of playing video games. His first encounter with video games was in the early 1990s. He vividly remembers the wonder and joy of just holding the controller, pressing the buttons, and seeing the moving characters on the screen

Video games today are very different from those of the past. Games in the past were typically played in a set order. However, recent gaming trends provide players with a world, allowing them to freely explore it and create their own stories through interaction. 

‘Freedom’ and ‘open world’ have emerged as important elements. The measure of a well-made game is how free and ‘plausible’ the world created is. For example, in a game set in the American Wild West, players can ride horses and go places, talk to people, and solve cases. You can get caught up in a whirlwind of uncontrollable events in a fantasy world. When he looks at the games that ‘created the world’ like this, he can’t help but feel admiration. 

Many people thought it was just a game played by children, recent games have come so close to the ‘real world’ that they will find it shocking. However, let's say someone claims that the person who created this game software, which is a culmination of amazing, cutting-edge graphics and all kinds of technology, does not exist and that it came into the world by chance. Probably not a single person would think that such a claim is logical or credible. Rather, most people would ask why such an absurd claim is made. 

Surprisingly, there are people in the world who make similar claims. Atheists who do not believe in God the Creator claim that this world, full of beauty and mystery that cannot be compared to the latest games, is simply a ‘product of coincidence’ created over a long period. However, just as we look at a well-made game and wonder, “Who made this and how?”  It is natural to acknowledge the existence of a creator when looking at the beauty and mystery of this world. 

It is a great irony to think that people who do not believe in God the Creator also admire human creations such as well-made games and say: “Wow, who made this and how!” They often ask: "Is it not too difficult to believe in the God who created the world?" Instead, he wants to ask them:"Isn't it more difficult to believe that the love we share with all things in this beautiful world, and the desire for righteousness, just happen to exist by chance?"

Recently, attempts to introduce artificial intelligence into games are increasingly being made. A game featuring characters who respond to anything you say, rather than choosing a set line, will be released in the not-too-distant future. If that happens, the world in the game will become a little closer to the real world. How many more amazing games will we come across? How much praise will be poured out on those who created them? But what should really be praised is not the games, artificial intelligence, or the people who created them. 

Whether it's artificial intelligence or the latest games, which are hot topics these days, it's not just a coincidence that humans can create such amazing things. Because humans were created to resemble the image of God, they can demonstrate creative abilities. We must remember that amazing human creations also originated from God's grace. It is natural to feel God's hand in all the creations we create and to praise Him. Praise be to you, Creator God!

Where is Heaven?

A reporter for the Catholic Times gives us the mission plans of a Korean priest in Mongolia which attracted some of the citizens in a way that they found meaningful and attractive.  

Missionary work in Mongolia from Korea began in earnest in 1991. Several religious orders and the Daejeon Diocese dispatched priests and religious to lay the foundation for the mission, but the mission found it difficult to expand. Missionaries in Mongolia pointed out several causes. 

First of all, although there were six parishes in the capital city of Ulaanbaatar, it was difficult to attend Mass every week due to serious traffic congestion and distance. Some of the Christian Religious groups that came to Mongolia broke up families and brought about economic difficulties to some of the Mongolians and a misunderstanding of Christianity.

For those who did not know Jesus the missionary work of "Come to the church because it is a good place" may increase the number of Catholics for a while, but it did not create a foundation for faith in the mind of the writer. The late Father Kim Sung-hyun, who loved Mongolians, chose another way, he lived with them.

A year after his death, Mongolians who did not know Jesus said: "They met Jesus through Father Kim." And added, " They felt that the priest always loved us." 

Father Kim loved people first and comforted their hearts, rather than putting the Mass, worship, Bible, and doctrinal work necessary for a life of faith as primary. His sincerity made the Mongolians come into Jesus' arms on their own. Jesus was already there in Mongolia where he thought he was not.

We sometimes experience despair as if misfortune only happens to us, a situation in which there is no hope in sight. Father Kim's situation in Mongolia more than 20 years ago would not have been optimistic. But he turned the place where he was into heaven. The power was in the practice of an evangelical life.

Young People and Spirituality

The editorial in the Catholic Times gives the readers a look at the situation of the young people in our Korean society.

The mass media influences the world society much more than Christianity and to a greater degree the youth.

Conscious of this reality in 1984  Pope Saint John Paul II held an international gathering of young people with over 250,000 in attendance. When the UN proclaimed 1985 to be the International Youth Year, he issued another invitation to young people to come to Rome and again the response was huge with over 300,000 young people gathered in churches around the city. 

Starting in 1987, World Youth Day was celebrated for the first time internationally and every 2 to 3 years from that moment on in different host cities of the world.

The next World Youth Day will be held in Seoul, South Korea, in 2027. Pope Francis announced this at the  Mass of World Youth Day 2023 in Lisbon, Portugal on August 6, 2023.  The excitement among the South Korean delegation was great. 

Archbishop  Chung, of the Archdiocese of Seoul during his homily reiterated the theme of WYD 2027, "Rejoice in Hope ", which was announced by Pope Francis on Dec. 1, 2023.

World Youth Day has been hosted by 14 different countries around the world in almost all of the continents. Europe has hosted it 10 different times; The Americas – North, Central and South – have hosted a total of 4; Oceania and Asia have each hosted it once. This will be the first time on the Asian continent.

Korean churches celebrate the last Sunday of May every year by designating it as ‘Youth Sunday’. This day was established to convey the true love and truth of Christ to young people so that the church can be with them. The frustration and despair experienced by young people seem bigger and heavier than ever before. As we all know, young people in our society are pushed into high-level competition from a young age.

The reality of the entrance exam hell that occupies most of adolescence, and the constant competition for employment seems to be an endless time of suffering for our young people.  Even as an adult, life is still hard. 

The problem of the low birth rate, currently a great problem of our society, clearly reveals the difficult lives of young people. Young people who have to lead such difficult and arduous lives often do not receive respect or comfort even within the church. We must reflect on the reality that people have no choice but to neglect their religious life because they are busy with their studies and social life, and that the church has been lacking in truly respecting and listening to them. 

However, despite this, we are confident that young people can still find true hope by living with the Lord, who is the way, truth and life. This is because the hope that young people often lose can be found in the Lord. This is because we believe in the Lord’s promise, “I will always be with you” (Matthew 28:20). 

The Korean church is preparing for the 2027 World Youth Day. Thorough preparation is necessary for this conference to be not just a large-scale international event, but also a place where young people from all over the world meet to discover and share hope in the Lord. And the preparation is not just preparation for the event but requires a change in our hearts and lives. The hope is that this year’s Youth Sunday will be the starting point for that preparation.

No one is Going to the Battle Field

Here/Now Catholic Website an article by a German professor emeritus gives the readers some thoughts on the priorities of the culture we are making.

On April 22, 2024, the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute announced the results of an analysis of global military spending in 2023. It was a record high of $2.44 trillion. For comparison, a United Nations study found that $39 to $50 billion is needed each year to provide adequate food for everyone worldwide. This amount represents only 2 percent of global military spending.

Europe now spends more on armaments than Russia. In the case of Ukraine, military support from the United States and European countries, which reached $35.7 billion last year, must also be added. In that case, Ukraine's budget would amount to 91 percent of Russia's defense budget. Since 2014, Ukraine's military budget has increased by 1,272 percent. The United States recently approved a new aid package worth $61 billion. An additional $26.4 billion was provided to Israel and $8.1 billion to Taiwan. This accurately reflects the current geopolitical hotspots.

In the Western world, many media outlets and politicians cheered as if the Earth had escaped the danger of destruction. The stock prices of major defense companies responded with a significant rise. The weapons industry is thriving thanks to the global trend of militarization.

Despite large-scale military support, Ukraine is facing serious problems. Since the war began with the invasion of Russia, the number of casualties has increased alarmingly. Hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian soldiers lost their lives, putting the Ukrainian army on the defensive. Desperate efforts are currently underway to recruit hundreds of thousands of new troops. According to official Russian information, unlike the Russian army, which can strengthen its forces with about 30,000 volunteers every month, the Ukrainian army relies on official mobilization orders at the national level. However, the people are resisting this. According to a report by Polish newspaper citing Ukrainian sources, about one million Ukrainian men eligible for military service have gone into hiding inside Ukraine over the past two years. A similar number of men fled to countries abroad, mostly in the European Union. About 200,000 Ukrainians of military service age are taking refuge in Germany. The government and military leadership plan to take stricter measures against those who evade military service in the future. In mid-April, Ukraine's parliament passed a new mobilization law that requires all men between the ages of 18 and 60 who are required to serve to report to the military conscription office within 60 days, even those who were exempt from conscription on the first decision. passed. Ukrainian citizens living abroad are also obliged to register or update their personal information. Electronic registration is also possible. Failure to comply with registration obligations will result in loss of eligibility for consular services, such as issuance or extension of passports or other personal documents. Additionally, Ukrainian nationals living abroad who do not register are at risk of having their Ukrainian citizenship revoked. This mobilization law also has serious consequences for soldiers who have been fighting on the front lines since the beginning of the war and are now urgently demanding to return home. This is because the planned disbandment of these units has been postponed and soldiers must continue to fight at the front lines. Because personnel cannot be recruited, if they leave the front line, the front line collapses. As tremendous anger arises among the soldiers, the possibility of desertion is increasing. After the war began, the right to conscientious objection to military service, originally guaranteed by the Ukrainian Constitution, was abolished by the newly imposed martial law. Conscientious objectors can now face years in prison. May 15th is International Objector's Day. On this day, numerous organizations and groups around the world launch the global “Refuse War” campaign to resist militarization, war, and military service. A recent survey found that more than 70 percent of Ukrainian men of military service age do not want to join the military. International peace organizations are working hard to protect not only Ukrainians but also Russian and Belarusian conscientious objectors and deserters from prosecution and to help them gain asylum. This slogan was popular in the 1980s, when the peace movement reached its peak in Germany. “Imagine! There is a war, but no one is going to the battlefield!” This slogan is still relevant today.

 

What Peace Do We Proclaim?

A parish priest in the recent Catholic Times gives the readers some thoughts on one of the important issues of our day--Peace.

There is a small gallery beside one of the churches in his diocese called the 'Peace Gallery'. Words that mean "peace" are written in many languages on the exterior wall of the building. The largest ones are in Hebrew and Greek, the languages of the Bible. In addition, words that mean peace in Latin, English, and Chinese are shaped in the form of the cross. The wall itself is an artwork proclaiming the peace of Christ, who saved the world through the sacrifice of the cross.

"Peace be with you!" These were the words the resurrected Jesus greeted his disciples with after his death and resurrection. It would not have been strange for Jesus to greet them with cold eyes and words of resentment after being abandoned, but Jesus wishes them peace.

On the other hand, the disciples are restless. The Gospel writers say they were afraid because they thought he was a ghost. They were sorry for having abandoned their teacher, but he was dead, and they thought it was all right to preserve their life, so they locked the doors tightly and hid. But that teacher who they thought was dead appeared in front of them. The guilt they felt must have shaken their whole being, but their teacher greeted them with a gentle expression: "Peace be with you!"

Even among us living in faith, the strange tension between the teacher and the disciples revealed in the story of the manifestation of the resurrected Jesus is often found. This is a tension felt as a conflict between spirit, and flesh. It occurs when the faith is not fully established and not mature.

First of all, a Christian follows Christ, but in our minds, the values and standards of the world are often more firmly established than the values and standards of the gospel. We know better than anyone else that Jesus' teachings are valuable, but feelings of uncertainty are often present. Thus, the seeds of the faith sown often fail to sprout and dry up, and we often choose to be silent rather than to think, speak, and act as Christians.

On the other hand, we often love Christ in our hearts but have difficulty following Jesus' teachings because many calculations overwhelm our minds. The love for Christ in our hearts is nothing more than an emotion, or worse, a kind of lip service called: "I love you too Jesus". As a result, we are not disobeying the teachings of Christ, but neither are we obeying them fully.

The last is when you place something else in the place of Christ, both in your head and in your heart. What holds Christ's place varies from time to time, but it is mainly power, honor, and material wealth. However, in today's society, material wealth seems to dominate everything. It is said that if you have money, you will naturally gain power and honor. This is the situation and there is no room for the seeds of any faith or the teachings of Christ. You don't need Christ, you just need the name 'Christian'.

Knowing that he would be ostracized by the mainstream forces of the time and suffer a miserable death, Jesus spent his time making present the kingdom of heaven on this earth, firmly refuting what was not his father's teaching and will. "The peace I give is not the same as the peace the world gives" (John 14, 27). The peace declared by the resurrected Lord to his disciples was not a feeling of peace as an absence of violence. As Christians, we need to see what kind of peace we are proclaiming.